It hurts a lot

It hurts a lot when you feel that you did it to yourself… when you feel that  you had to listen to other’s advices and you did not when you realize that you were not wise enough or cautious enough to protect your own heart from falling into an illusion It hurts a lot when you feel that you where just an illusion or a fantasy created by someone to entertain his own self or to fill in the spaces of his own loneliness regardless how you will feel about that.. When you ask them honestly to answer your own questions and they keep cruelly pushing to get what they want without any consideration of how they might end up hurting you It hurts more when you realize that they could not pick you up and recognize your very simple and precious heart When they just walk away without even trying to tell you how sorry they are When they just act as if nothing happened and you were expecting too much from such a game It hurts all the time that you feel you can’t get over it and what hurts the most is that you can’t even hate them or project your anger for the harm they gave you …cause simply your heart does not know what hatred is and that in spite of all what happened you can’t say anything except … “that was my mistake I should not have left my sacred land and visited the unknown…cause the unknown can’t recognize me ever …may be I should have stuck to where I belong ”… it hurts and it keeps hurting all the time... Till you hear that voice telling someone like me “when you open your heart to people you just let the good and the bad come in and you just have to deal with all this because it makes you realize who you are more clearly…it gives you a clue to all your confusions and it tells you how precious you are…” It still hurts but at least I know a piece of ME that I can care about respect and caress…at least I know how sincere and straight I was....how much I respected and value every moment and every feeling …how true and innocent I was when I said I love you...how true and innoncent my bleeding was and still is... How true and innocent I shall always be in spite of all the pain and the harm … How to see that my ME is something that is stable and real that can love and give with no fear … something authentic and beautiful … how to believe again That one day someone with an authentic dream will recognize this ME and pick it up one day someone will take my hands to reach the farthest star in the most beautiful sky…to make all dreams come true…. together…. soumaya Written March 13th, 2002 © on Mar 13 2002 07:00 AM PST    18 • 0 • 12