NICK WATTKOWSKI’S NORTH SHORE TAP

Riding in on a shooting star Crashing into my friend Nick’s car Out of the heavens he fell like a shot His name: High Galactic Commander Malcon Feldop. Gravity had dragged him down He stepped out of his flying saucer dressed like a clown. Thinking that such attire would make him look more “local” He didn’t realize, we were just a bunch of local yokels. Strolling into the North Shore Tap He proclaimed, “friends of earth I have brought you a special treat From a galaxy where drinking is an art, they call called it Lim Preat. Pouring us each a shot of the elixir from outer space We quickly realized this alien would be our saving grace. The space potion sent us into hyper drive, Me and my fellow yokels felt more delightfully dead then alive. Raising my glass, I said “Fellow traveler from far Out There An earthling shot of whiskey I would like to share. May it keep you warm on this cold winter’s night, Just guzzle it down and hang on tight.” He did as I commanded Reaching for two more since he was both right and left handed. He nimbly leapt onto the top of the bar to gain a better speaking position And then proceeded to explain to us the nature of his mission. “I, High Galactic Commander Melcon Feldop, have come from Mars for your women of wonder. “Love is forbidden on my planet, but I cannot deny - my heart does hunger. Romance is an earth custom I have observed watching reruns of I Love Lucy Desi Arnez gets it going with that wacky red head and she looks so juicy.” ________________ (Meanwhile at the end of the bar....) Hometown Astro Physicist, Four Eyed Sue was looking so nonchalant, so totally cool; As she gazed at our new friend from her customary corner stool - As Lake Winnabago simmered behind her as if it were a reflecting pool. “What kind of man is this”, she wondered - a wonder to behold (She’d had six shots of Jack Daniel’s, she was feeling quite bold) So she walked up to Feldop and gave him a kiss on each of his four alien lips In turn, he wrapped her in his five-arm-Martian-love-twist. As the steam began to rise from the site of their torrid embrace We locals turned and looked the other away,  yes - even we yokels can have good taste. It was clear that Sue had met the man for whom she has always yearned And it wasn’t too long before Feldop’s three antennae began to burn And his six legs began to quiver; as it appears the alcohol had ignited his liver. And soon our freshly minted lovers flew out the door Never to be seen again at Nick’s North Shore. ________________ That night as Nike Wattkowski was taking a piss He looked out the window above the urinal and could not miss A grand ship rising high in the crisp clear winter sky It’s exhaust fumes spelling “Farewell North Shore Brothers - And a Fond Good Bye” To this day they say that when the Aurora Borealis spreads its mighty rainbow curtain It’s only Feldop and Four Eyed Sue making love in a sea of Bourbon. ______________________ And so this ends my odd little tale, Except for this one final detail. Fifty years after passion had prompted them to so quickly flee Our cosmic lovers returned to celebrate their golden jubilee. And due to the marvels of light speed, Neither Feldop nor Sue had gone to seed. While the rest of us...well, our bald heads and round bodies would make you sob And as for Nick Wattkowski well, he was now just an old fat slob. Feldop said “After decades of traveling the galaxies and nebuli”, “This is the center of our Universe and the North Shore Tap is what we have come to buy. We will fix this dump up and call it our own Of course all of you low life’s can drink free, please consider this your home.” We were amazed at this great good news And quickly raised our fat asses off our bar stools Proclaiming, “long live Feldop and all hail Sue!” Promptly ordering another round, as we was our custom to do. The crowds returned to the North Shore Tap and scene began to rock and  to wail As visitors from far and wide came to see a five-armed man mixing their cocktails. Written May 15th, 2001 © on Jun 02 2001 06:52 AM PST   0 • 10