I used to feel the pain

In wondrous spirit I entered onto life's earth bound plain. For eighteen years I learned of life's unending truths. Youthful running, burning candles...sucking up the flame; and never seeing past the window of my youth. Then from afar so swiftly came the sounds of anger burning. A small mess in a land so far away. No need for me to be concerned, in months it will be over... thats what I heard the politicians say. Then came my turn for signing up, but how'd it go so long? Those 'months' were years ago, it seems. Now I am back in comforting arms, but Lord it still seems wrong, and down the road I'm having awful dreams. I used to feel the pain, I used to feel the rain. I thought I'd know how far I had to go. I told my friends and family that I really was the same, but they can tell much better than you know. Again I joined that monster that put me in harm's way. It was my way of dealing with the dreams. For sixteen years I pushed it back; I kept the wolves at bay, but then I began to unravel at the seams. I let my mind take over, never sure if I was right, and I bled my heart to someone more equipped. For eighteen months in counseling, alone, and then with others, I began to bare my mind, my heart...all of it. I'd been wandering, aching, longing for a pathway to acceptance, and I felt that life was just another mirror. I whispered that I was just the far side of deliverance, but my whispered shouts refused to bring me nearer. I used to feel the pain, I used to go insane. I always thought no one could understand what pushed me on. I never wanted pity, just to be left to my indifference, but indifference only left me wanting to be gone. Now the time has passed to memory, looking back to 'other' days. I've learned to resolve old nightmares, and daymares, too. That haunting cry of silence that I spoke with every breath, is the cry you heard when finally I broke through. 6/15/01 Written May 25th, 2001 © on Aug 27 2001 02:35 AM PST   0 • 12