Praying For God

When I was small; I needed to be bigger I prayed to God, to answer Every part of me wanted to be more, a part of others They were bigger, had answers They had what I wanted Took what I wanted even more, away I learned hate. Too young They couldn’t hear me, no matter what I said They knew everything, but wouldn’t share They spoke, over coffins, through fairy tales We were praying for God To rescue us. As a teenager, I prayed to God Because no one was like me Where I went was where I was told But what I felt, existed purely for me I was alive, but alone Nothing I did made any sense to anyone else And no one could understand They weren’t me I knew what I needed and so I prayed to God Every part of my life, became a source of meaning There, I had a voice That was where I was meant to be. Now I pray for God to answer For something that makes sense Everything I touch, draws me back I’m too young to look back, they say What drove me here, has left What I wanted to know doesn’t exist Everyone I meet is no place I’ve known And they seem more alive than me I raced away, believing myself righteous Believing you believed in me It was all a lie. I made you so real, my child-mind could believe I needed you to believe in me;  In my own foolish needs. I don’t pray anymore I don’t do anything anymore I walk amongst everyone you were said to have made I have buried myself. I can’t believe, so I swallow lies They each came, thinking. Needing to be needed. Needing you Too many. So much. Never any One. Deeds, crimes, lies made them need because truth died. That’s when I lied to myself, for them. I saw myself, in all of them. I sought my own kind. I made myself able to love them. I loved the needs that I fulfilled in them. And always we laughed, remembering you. Now, I pray, for any god They are all gone Having lost what I offered because I thought able to answer Seeing myself in them, I became anything they needed I had purpose. They needed reason. I loved them all, understood their hearts My heart was the same I touched myself when they came to me I arose from being slumbered Through them, I knew what I needed I gave, and took, loving and living Now. I pray. For, God. Because I have lived long enough, to Understand. -C.A.Wooding Written December 30th, 2001 © on Dec 29 2001 05:49 PM PST   18 • 0 • 13