Afraid of Myself

I'm afraid of Myself, I know What I'm capable of, There are no consiquences for me, But I don't want to hurt no one, I contemplate suicide every 10 minutes, I know I can Never Be of sound Mind, I know I'm afraid of myself, Those who I think can Help me, Refuse Me, AS My mind slips away, I feel angry, I feel sad, I'm Confused, So many thoughts, I need Relief, There is no purpose for any of this, I need Purpose, And I become more afraid of myself, What if I do Find Purpose, Like the terrorist hijackers, Like Eric Harris and Dillon Klebold, Like The Manson Family, What if my belief system causes me to hurt, I couldn't live with myself, hurting other people, But what if it was a righteous act, And I could Do Good by causing pain, The Lord would forgive me, Wouldn't he? I think he would, 'Love one another as you love yourself', I'm not sure how much I love Myself, Is hurting people really that wrong, the bible says that people should not be afraid of those who kill the body, but cannot kill the soul, Why do I have to be so confused, If I wasn't so confused, I wouldn't be so afraid of myself, I might even love myself, Doctors tell me medication will help me, And granted some do, But they hurt me too, and I don't wish to inflict pain on myself, No matter what the cure, I need Structure, But I can't find it, I to find a bootcamp, The Military won't except me, I'm so confused, My voices are comming back to me, I heard them mutter last night, And I'm afraid of myself, Afraid of what I might Do, Written March 21st, 2002 © on Mar 21 2002 11:30 AM PST   0 • 1