First Day Anxiety (Survivor Challenge 14)

The sun rises on my dreams And slaps me brutally into reality As I awake to my first day In a brand new high school A thousand miles away from old friends Anxiety fills me up like water And the thump of my heartbeat Plays a rhythm in my head As butterflies swell in my stomach And threaten to bring my mortification I timidly enter the building As the stench of school halls Pervades my senses And churns the butterflies Into large, flapping birds I swallow my fear like a pill Stand straight, shoulders back I saunter into my first class To the flaming stares of strangers Burning tension into my muscles The teacher orders me To stand at the front of the class As she introduces me I nervously shift my weight And avoid any eye contact I stand there with rigid posture Feeling as though I’m a criminal Facing a firing squad As the whispers and sneers Mingle with my screaming thoughts I finally take my seat And the tension surrounds me Like a wet blanket of revulsion Scalding my bones In frozen shivers of hostility My mind drowns In a current of ruminations As the whispers become deafening And the stares more obvious Coercing tears to betray my feigned detachment I feel isolated Singled-out as the object Of everyone’s amusement except my own The solitary punch line to a hundred jokes And I wish I were invisible The bell rings in a startling pitch The walk through the halls Feels like a malicious gauntlet of loathing As I walk the forbidding corridors To the next chamber of torture Black clouds of rage charge my mind With fantasies of gratifying revenge As their callous stares Pierce through me like a jagged knife Shredding my honor to pieces Images of vengeance flash behind my eyes As the remarks become more shameful And with each new insult My daydreams of retaliation Become more brutal I resent them For making me second-guess my worth And I take a mental picture of their faces Engrave them into my mind Never to forget the way they welcomed me For they will never have the opportunity To know the beauty of my friendship The will never know the thrill Of being my lover I AM a strong person I WILL stand tall And respect myself More than I envy Their companionship It IS their loss! Written April 12th, 2002 © on Apr 12 2002 09:49 AM PST   0 • 10