My Life

I remember that beautiful day in May It started off with school and escaladed to dismay I wasn’t aware that it would happen to me At such a young age it was impossible to see He appeared so sweet And gave me the feeling of being complete At thirteen he was a dream come true, But everyone but me knew. He was the older guy in high school And I the Jr high girl, was the fool He kissed me with one thing on his mind I thought it was love, but I was blind He touched me like no one had before Telling me that there was no one else he could adore For a month I held his hand I worked on his every demand Things then started to go wrong But I tried to remain strong It started in late June In his backyard one afternoon We were talking and fooling around But in less than a second my head hit the ground He yelled at me as I cried Then he pulled me up and helped me inside He told me he was sorry and asked if I were alright I told him I was and he held me until it was night It didn’t happen again… at least for a while And when it did I shrugged it off and showed a smile He said that he loved me more than life itself He said that he couldn’t help himself I was beautiful and the only one for him Without me he said his life would be grim His words were lies because it continued to occur Some days were so bad it was just a blur I made up excuses and lies Even though I had bruises on my arms and thighs When it would happen I wouldn’t let myself cry When he calmed down I would kiss him and say goodbye Later he would bring me flowers as a surprise But I knew why he brought them when he stared into my eyes For months I covered the marks I ignored those who suspected and their remarks I didn’t think it was wrong For all I knew it would make me strong. I was hit, I was pushed, and I was beat up on He called me names, made me feel bad and I became withdrawn When I wasn’t with him I was alone Plans with family and friends would be postpone I felt ashamed and afraid Yet, I stayed. I thought that things would eventually mend I felt that the abuse was coming to an end. Eight months had come and gone But the worse had yet to spawn Just after the New Year He became more sincere He didn’t raise his hand to me Even his teasing toned down a degree I was sure that things were finally going the right way But once again they went astray. Alone in his room playing a game Is where he took me and left me nothing but shame I begged and pleaded with him But all my tears and pleas must have been too dim Because I was ignored and he continued on Before I knew it my dignity and virginity was gone. I was in a daze for more than a week or two Everyone who looked at me I swore they knew I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say a word I didn’t want anyone to know what had occurred So it continued on month after month, week after week and day after day Until it was so bad that I broke down and was sent away When asked what the matter was I basically shrugged my shoulders and said because There wasn’t a fight between my parents and I They hugged and kissed me and asked me not to lie I couldn’t tell them, I was too ashamed With what happened could I be blamed? Something so precious was stolen from me It was something that I never agreed on at any degree It damaged me inside and out I’ve been scared for life, without a doubt I left for three months hoping time would lend a hand But it didn’t work out as I had planned. When I returned the pain was back When he came around I was afraid for an attack I became more withdrawn but we were technically still together I was too afraid to end it with his unpredictable weather. He told me if I left him he couldn’t go on Even fourteen is too young to see a con I stayed with him until one day he told me he needed to explore Then he went on and called me names like bitch and whore. The words he said stabbed like knives It was as though he took 20 of my lives He stole things from me that could not be replaced I felt that I could be nothing but waste I was no longer pure and I was stolen from I felt stupid and I felt dumb I was still too ashamed to admit the fault I didn’t tell anyone of the repeated assault For years it tore at me and caused me pain I know I will walk forever with this emotional cane No doctors or medicines in the world could cure this feeling For the things I’ve been through have no certain healing. Those memories are imprinted in my brain They are so complicated and horrid that I can’t even explain They way it felt, no matter where he touched me It made my skin crawl and still does as I shift through this debris Night after night I shed these tears I’ll keep this damage with me for years No one can understand this feeling Not unless they are undergoing the same healing Because of him and what he did I will pay the price I can’t trust anyone so don’t hand me any advice I can’t get close to men And I can’t stand the stares from women I feel that they all know I feel what has happened to me can show It hard to carry on like I do Because no matter what, there isn’t a person I can see through It always takes a little longer But some how I know I’ll end up stronger My future will always reflect on my past But my life will never be surpassed. Written November 8th, 2001 © on Nov 08 2001 09:31 AM PST   18 • 0 • 10