Looking Backward

I've walked a while by myself again,   and I find it's really not so bad. My concept of a valley is changing.   For a time, I envisioned a hot, dry, dusty space     and it was the desolation I had to pass through that scared me.   I'm beginning to realize that valleys can also be an area     with grassy riverbanks, shady trees, and pleasant resting places.       As long as you were holding my hand,         I was content to remain in the desert simply           because you had a talent for making the bleak appear beautiful.       You helped me to SEE beyond the plain surface ~ and to BELIEVE.   It was only when I turned to look for you     that I began to notice the changes around me.   Without realizing it, you had led me into a friendly valley.   Walking alone here has given me a chance to look back over the past year     and reflect on those things I want to remember       and keep special in my thoughts. Distant mountains are deceiving ~   They always look so close,     and yet it seems to take forever before reaching them.   As we get nearer, their shapes change and it's easy to get distracted,     confusing one with the others.   I haven't gotten to the next mountain yet.     At least I don't know it if I have. Sometimes, though,       it's possible to start uphill         and not realize it until we stop for a rest.       It's only when we turn around to look where we've been           that we can see the valley because it's such a slight incline.     Some may say it's best to keep our eyes forward without looking back,       but I don't agree.       A peek into the past allows us to see how much progress we have made. One of the most important milestones I passed was the realization   that closed doors aren't necessarily locked,     but I'm still working on that idea.   I don't know if I have an option of opening an unlocked door or not ~     I have been afraid to try for one reason,       and I'm not sure it's best for another.     There have been days       when I've almost weakened enough to test my curiosity,         but it's easier to live with a question of uncertainty sometimes         than an answer of rejection.     Also, there has been enough distance now that       I'm almost able to be objective enough         to be rational rather than emotional...           to acknowledge with conviction rather than admit with empty words             that I do not need to be in your life               nor do I require you to be in mine.     I understand that I can't get very far       if I have to keep returning to stop at the same place.   Nevertheless, I will always care for you with a very special type of love     for helping me when I needed you so much...     for being here when I was so alone...     for showing me what I needed to see,     and for teaching me what I needed to learn. Every girl dreams of being rescued by a knight in shining armor.   You've wounded my dragons of loneliness and insecurities     providing me with freedom to face tomorrow.November, 1987 Written December 6th, 2001 © on Dec 06 2001 02:13 PM PST   0 • 12