TAKING vs. ACCEPTING

For so long,   the only kind of love I had returned to me       was a TAKING love.         It was full of demands that drained all of my resources,             and no matter how much I gave,               it was seldom, if ever, enough.         Whenever I dug deep within my being             to tap what little reserves were left,               that, too, was unsatisfying or deficient. I wasn't always TOLD my love was sub-standard,   but actions indicated to me that it was. So many times,   I went to sleep feeling USED;       being pushed away and left alone was a silent scream of disapproval         as well as a sign of failure.       It was like being thrown away         after giving all I could give. Again and again,   I fell just short of giving enough ~       this ALMOST-BUT-NOT-QUITE syndrome kept me trying         a little more each time. Finally,   I'm not sure at what point,       the PAIN of giving began to outweigh the PLEASURE of giving.   The pain came because there was nothing left to give ~       the demands had merely become too great.   The pleasure was simply forgotten and replaced       with a cynical viewpoint that REAL emotions were nothing but imitations. Outwardly,   I continued to function, but Inwardly,   I put everything on HOLD and refused to allow any feelings       to surface to a level where I had to deal with them.   I closed doors on any possible relationships       because being ALONE was so much better than         being NOT-GOOD-ENOUGH.                     ~~~ I've searched through my mind   trying to figure out how you managed       to break through all my defenses. The one thing that seems most important is   you appear to accept me for just being ME.   You know so many of my faults,       and yet don't always remind me of how big they really are.       Instead, you tell me how wonderfully I do other things.   I'm still amazed at this attitude and somewhat skeptical.       Even now, at times, I still wait for THE HOOK...       (that's the twist that cancels the pleasure).   I'm beginning to realize and trust       that I don't have to expect that from you.   It finally occurred to me last night       that you were serious when you asked me over ~         and you had been all along.       You must think I'm either rude or just downright dumb!       Maybe, you've recognized all along,         but I'm just now realizing             how programmed and controlled I really was.                   ~~~ After watching our friendship develop,   I'm aware of the difference in the way you receive my feelings ~       a difference between taking and accepting.   I'm not sure it's LOVE I'm giving...       (I'M NOT SURE HOW LOVE FEELS ANY MORE).   I do know that my gift of feelings is accepted as something you enjoy       and it seems to give you pleasure.   My reserves are gradually being replenished       through your strength and reassurances,         and I'm finding that there really are reasons             to allow myself the luxury of giving again. Instead of discarding me,   you seem to treasure me and care about me.   That makes me feel almost valuable. All my programming assured me   no one would want me~       and yet, you seem to. You accept me for what I am,   and place no demands nor unreasonable expectations upon me. All this acceptance is forcing me   to reprogram my thinking.                       ~~~ Thank you!                         mOctober 1986 Written December 26th, 2001 © on Dec 26 2001 04:32 AM PST   18 • 0 • 8