If Only ----

If only dinner cooked itself,     And groceries grew upon the shelf;     If children did as they were told,     And never had a cough or cold;     And washed their hands, and wiped their boots,     And never tore their Sunday suits,     But always tidied up the floor,     Nor once forgot to shut the door.     If John remembered not to throw     His papers on the ground. And oh!     If he would put his pipes away,     And shake the ashes on the tray     Instead of on the floor close by;     And always spread his towel to dry,     And hung his hat upon the peg,     And never had bones in his leg.     Then, there's another thing. If Jane     Would put the matches back again     Just where she found them, it would be     A save of time to her and me.     And if she never did forget     To put the dustbin out; nor yet     Contrive to gossip with the baker,     Nor need ten thunderbolts to wake her.     Ahem! If wishes all came true,     I don't know what I'd find to do,     Because if no one made a mess     There'd be no need of cleanliness.     And things might work so blissfully,     In time -- who knows? -- they'd not need me!     And this being so, I fancy whether     I'll go on keeping things together.