Milton. With Apologies To Lord Tennyson

O swallow-tailed purveyor of college sprees,     O skilled to please the student fraternity,          Most honoured publican of Scotland,                 Milton, a name to adorn the Cross Keys;     Whose chosen waiters, Samuel, Archibald,     Helped by the boots and marker at billiards,          Wait, as the smoke-filled, crowded chamber                 Rings to the roar of a Gaelic chorus--     Me rather all those temperance hostelries,     The soda siphon fizzily murmuring,          And lime fruit juice and seltzer water                 Charm, as a wanderer out in South Street,     Where some recruiting, eager Blue-Ribbonites     Spied me afar and caught by the Post Office,          And crimson-nosed the latest convert                 Fastened the odious badge upon me.