The Duke And The Duchess

[THE DUKE.]     Small titles and orders     For Mayors and Recorders     I get - and they're highly delighted.     M.P.s baronetted,     Sham Colonels gazetted,     And second-rate Aldermen knighted.     Foundation-stone laying     I find very paying,     It adds a large sum to my makings.     At charity dinners     The best of speech-spinners,     I get ten per cent on the takings!     [THE DUCHESS.]     I present any lady     Whose conduct is shady     Or smacking of doubtful propriety;     When Virtue would quash her     I take and whitewash her     And launch her in first-rate society.     I recommend acres     Of clumsy dressmakers -     Their fit and their finishing touches;     A sum in addition     They pay for permission     To say that they make for the Duchess!     [THE DUKE.]     Those pressing prevailers,     The ready-made tailors,     Quote me as their great double-barrel;     I allow them to do so,     Though ROBINSON CRUSOE     Would jib at their wearing apparel!     I sit, by selection,     Upon the direction     Of several Companies bubble;     As soon as they're floated     I'm freely bank-noted -     I'm pretty well paid for my trouble!     [THE DUCHESS.]     At middle-class party     I play at ECARTE -     And I'm by no means a beginner;     To one of my station     The remuneration -     Five guineas a night and my dinner.     I write letters blatant     On medicines patent -     And use any other you mustn't;     And vow my complexion     Derives its perfection     From somebody's soap - which it doesn't.     [THE DUKE.]     We're ready as witness     To any one's fitness     To fill any place or preferment;     We're often in waiting     At junket FETING,     And sometimes attend an interment.     In short, if you'd kindle     The spark of a swindle,     Lure simpletons into your clutches,     Or hoodwink a debtor,     You cannot do better     Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!