The Hot Season

The folks, that on the first of May     Wore winter coats and hose,     Began to say, the first of June,     "Good Lord! how hot it grows!"     At last two Fahrenheits blew up,     And killed two children small,     And one barometer shot dead     A tutor with its ball!     Now all day long the locusts sang     Among the leafless trees;     Three new hotels warped inside out,     The pumps could only wheeze;     And ripe old wine, that twenty years     Had cobwebbed o'er in vain,     Came spouting through the rotten corks     Like Joly's best champagne.     The Worcester locomotives did     Their trip in half an hour;     The Lowell cars ran forty miles     Before they checked the power;     Roll brimstone soon became a drug,     And loco-focos fell;     All asked for ice, but everywhere     Saltpetre was to sell.     Plump men of mornings ordered tights,     But, ere the scorching noons,     Their candle-moulds had grown as loose     As Cossack pantaloons!     The dogs ran mad, - men could not try     If water they would choose;     A horse fell dead, - he only left     Four red-hot, rusty shoes!     But soon the people could not bear     The slightest hint of fire;     Allusions to caloric drew     A flood of savage ire;     The leaves on heat were all torn out     From every book at school,     And many blackguards kicked and caned,     Because they said, "Keep cool!"     The gas-light companies were mobbed,     The bakers all were shot,     The penny press began to talk     Of lynching Doctor Nott;     And all about the warehouse steps     Were angry men in droves,     Crashing and splintering through the doors     To smash the patent stoves!     The abolition men and maids     Were tanned to such a hue,     You scarce could tell them from their friends,     Unless their eyes were blue;     And, when I left, society     Had burst its ancient guards,     And Brattle Street and Temple Place     Were interchanging cards.