The Practical Joker

Oh what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes!     What keen enjoyment springs     From cheap and simple things!     What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes,     That pain and trouble brew     For every one but you!     Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havanah,     Its unexpected flash     Burns eyebrows and moustache;     When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha,     But common sense suggests     You keep it for your guests -     Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red-hot coppers,     And much amusement bides     In common butter-slides.     And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers.     Coal scuttles, recollect,     Produce the same effect.     A man possessed     Of common sense     Need not invest     At great expense -     It does not call     For pocket deep,     These jokes are all     Extremely cheap.     If you commence with eighteenpence (it's all you'll have to pay),     You may command a pleasant and a most instructive day.     A good spring gun breeds endless fun, and makes men jump like rockets,     And turnip-heads on posts     Make very decent ghosts:     Then hornets sting like anything, when placed in waist-coat pockets     Burnt cork and walnut juice     Are not without their use.     No fun compares with easy chairs whose seats are stuffed with needles -     Live shrimps their patience tax     When put down people's backs -     Surprising, too, what one can do with fifty fat black beedles -     And treacle on a chair     Will make a Quaker swear!     Then sharp tin tacks     And pocket squirts -     And cobblers' wax     For ladies' skirts -     And slimy slugs     On bedroom floors -     And water jugs     On open doors -     Prepared with these cheap properties, amusing tricks to play,     Upon a friend a man may spend a most delightful day!