Tu Quoque, An Idyll In The Conservatory

nellie     If I were you, when ladies at the play, Sir,         Beckon and nod, a melodrama through,     I would not turn abstractedly away, Sir,         If I were you!                          frank     If I were you, when persons I affected,         Wait for three hours to take me down to Kew,     I would at least pretend I recollected,         If I were you!                          nellie     If I were you, when ladies are so lavish,         Sir, as to keep me every waltz but two,     I would not dance with odious Miss M'Tavish,         If I were you!                          frank     If I were you, who vow you cannot suffer         Whiff of the best, the mildest "honey dew,"     I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer,         If I were you!                          nellie     If I were you, I would not, Sir, be bitter,         Even to write the "Cynical Review";                          frank     No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter,         If I were you!                          nellie     Really! You would? Why, Frank, you're quite delightful,         Hot as Othello, and as black of hue;     Borrow my fan. I would not look so frightful,         If I were you!                          frank     "It is the cause." I mean your chaperon is         Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu!     I shall retire. I'd spare that poor Adonis,         If I were you!                          nellie     Go, if you will. At once! And by express, Sir!         Where shall it be? To China, or Peru?     Go. I should leave inquirers my address, Sir,         If I were you!                          frank     No, I remain. To stay and fight a duel         Seems, on the whole, the proper thing to do,     Ah, you are strong, I would not then be cruel,         If I were you!                          nellie     One does not like one's feelings to be doubted,                          frank     One does not like one's friends to misconstrue,                          nellie     If I confess that I a wee-bit pouted?                          frank     I should admit that I was pique, too.                          nellie     Ask me to dance. I'd say no more about it,         If I were you!                          [Waltz - Exeunt.]