A Lover's Litanies - Eighth Litany. Domina Exaudi.

i.     It seems a year, and more, since last we met,         Since roseate spring repaid, in part, its debt     To thy bright eyes, and o'er the lowlands fair     Made daffodils so like thy golden hair     That I, poor wretch, have kiss'd them on my knees!     Forget-Me-Nots peep out beneath the trees         So like thine eyes that I have question'd them,     And thought thee near, though viewless on the breeze.     ii.     It seems a year; and yet, when all is told,         'Tis but a week since I was re-enroll'd     Among thy friends. How fairy-like the scene!     How gay with lamps! How fraught with tender sheen     Of life and languor! I was thine alone:--     Alert for thee,--intent to catch the tone         Of thy sweet voice,--and proud to be alive     To call to heart a peace for ever flown.     iii.     Had I not vext thee, as a monk in prayer         May vex a saint by musing, unaware,     On evil things? A saint is hard to move,     And quick to chide, and slow,--as I can prove,--     To do what's just; and yet, in thy despite,     We met again, we too, at dead of night;         And I was hopeful in my love of thee,     And thou superb, and matchless, in the light.     iv.     I felt distraught from gazing over-much         At thy great beauty; and I fear'd to touch     The dainty hand which Envy's self hath praised.     I fear'd to greet thee; and my soul was dazed     And self-convicted in its new design;     For I was mad to hope to call thee mine,         Aye! mad as he who claims a Virgin's love     Because his lips have praised her at a shrine.     v.     I saw thee there in all the proud array         Of thy young charms,--as if a summer's day     Had leapt to life and made itself a queen,--     As if the sylphs, remembering what had been,     Had mission'd thee, from out the world's romance,     To stir my pulse, and thrill me with a glance:         And once again, allow'd, though undesired,     I did become thy partner in the dance.     vi.     I bow'd to thee. I drew thee to my side,         As one may seize a wrestler in his pride     To try conclusions,--and I felt the rush     Of my heart's blood suffuse me in a blush     That told its tale. But what my tongue would tell     Was spent in sighs, as o'er my spirit fell         The silvery cadence of thy lips' assent;     And every look o'er-ruled me like a spell.     vii.     O devil's joy of dancing, when a tune         Speeds us to Heaven, and night is at the noon     Of all its frolic, all its wild desire!     O thrall of rapt illusions when we tire     Of coy reserve, and all the moments pass     As pass the visions in a magic glass,         And every step is shod with ecstacy,     And every smile is fleck'd with some Alas!     viii.     Was it a moment or a merry span         Of years uncounted when convulsion ran     Right through the veins of me, to make me blest,     And yet accurst, in that revolving quest     Known as a waltz,--if waltz indeed it were     And not a fluttering dream of gauze and vair         And languorous eyes? I scarce can muse thereon     Without a pang too sweet for me to bear!     ix.     By right of music, for a fleeting term,         Mine arms enwound thee and I held thee firm     There on my breast,--so near, yet so remote,     So close about me that I seem'd to float     In sunlit rapture,--touch'd I know not how     By some suggestion of a deeper vow         Than men are 'ware of when, on Glory's track,     They kneel to angels with uplifted brow.     x.     And lo! abash'd, I do recall to mind         All that is past:--the yearning undefined,--     The baulk'd confession that was like a sob--     The sound of singing and the gurgling throb     Of lute and viol,--meant for many things     But most for misery; and a something clings         Close to my heart that is not wantonness,     Though, wanton-like, it warms me while it stings.     xi.     The night returns,--that night of all the nights!         And I am dower'd anew with such delights     As memory feeds on; for I walk'd with thee     In moonlit gardens, and there flew to me     A flower-like moth, a pinion'd daffodil,     From Nature's hand; and, out beyond the hill,         There rose a star I joy'd to look upon     Because it seem'd the star of thy good will.     xii.     We sat beneath the trees, as well thou know'st,         Within an arbour which a summer's boast     Had made ambrosial; and we loiter'd there     Some little space, the while upon the air     Uprose the fragrance of uncounted flowers.     Ah me! how weird a tryste was that of ours!         And how the moon look'd down, so lurid-warm,     Athwart the stillness of the frondage-towers!     xiii.     I seem'd to feel thy breath upon my cheek;         I vainly searched for words I long'd to speak,     But could not utter lest the sound thereof     Should scare away the elves that wait on love.     And when I spoke to thee 'twas of the spot     Where we were seated,--things that matter'd not,--         Uncared for things,--the weather,--the new laws!     And, sudden-loud, the wind assail'd the grot.     xiv.     A little bird was warbling overhead         As if to twit me with the word unsaid     Which he, more daring, when the sun was high,     Trill'd to his mate! He knew the tender "why"     Of many a pleading, and he knew, meseems,     The very key-note to the lyric dreams         Of all true poets when, by love impell'd,     They search the secrets of the woods and streams.     xv.     'Tis sure that summer, when she rear'd the bower         And arched the roof and gave it all the dower     Of all its leaves, and all the crannies small     Where wrens look through,--'tis sure that, after all,     Summer was kind, and meant to make for me     A shriving-place,--a lighthouse on the sea         Of all that verdure,--that, beneath the stars,     I might receive one quickening glance from thee.     xvi.     Oh! had I dared to whisper in thine ear         My heart-full wish, undaunted by the fear     Of some rebuke:--a flush of thy fair face,     A lifted hand to tell me that the place     Was fairy-fenced, and guarded as by flame,--     Oh! had I dared to court the word of blame         That's good for me, no doubt! at every turn,     My life to-day were chasten'd by the same.     xvii.     But I was conscious of a sudden ban         Hurl'd from the zenith. I was like the man     Who scaled Olympus, with intent to bring     New fire therefrom, and dared not face the King     Of thought and thunder. I was full prepared     For thy displeasure,--for the past was bared         To mine on-looking; and, with faltering tongue,     I left my languorous meanings undeclared.     xviii.     O lost Occasion! what a thing art thou:--         A three-fold key,--the when, the where, the how,--     The past, the present and the future tense,--     All thrown aside. For what? A witless sense     Of some compunction! When the hour is bold     Reason is shy, and rapture, seeming-cold,         Makes mute surrender of its dearest chance,     And all for fear of doubts that might be told.     xix.     But could we meet, oh! could we meet again         On some such night, unseen upon the plain,     I'd rob thee, Lady! of a tardy smile.     I would do this; and, for a breathing-while,     I would assert a sinner's right to pray,     A sinner's right to choose, as best he may,         His patron-saint; and I would kneel to thee,     And call thee mine, and dote on thee for aye!     xx.     And then in summer, when the hours are mad,         And all the flow'rets in the fields are glad,     And all the breezes, like demented things     Outspeed the birds with sunlight on their wings,     In summer, aye! in summer's gracious time,     I might perchance be pardon'd for the crime         Of my much love, and win thy benison     Ere yet the year has reached its golden prime!