Certain Truths About Certain Things

I.     And the boy that lives next door     Said to me one day, There's more     In those rhymes of Mother Goose     And those tales, I don't care whose,     Arabian Nights or Grimm's, or, well,     Any one's, than, I've no doubt,     You or I can ever tell,     Or can ever know about. II.     Why, there is a land, you know,     Where the world is so-and-so:     Where old Hick-a-Hack-a-more     Kicks the king right out his door     And sits on his throne and kills     Blackbirds as they fly from pies,     Pots them on the windowsills     I ain't telling you no lies. III.     For I met an old man once     And he was n't any dunce     Who just told me he had been     To that land and he had seen     All those people: even met     Handy Spandy in a shop;     And old Doctor Foster, wet,     Mad enough to make you hop. IV.     And he said that Miller, he     Who once lived on River Dee,     Told him that he was a wreck,     Mind and body, knee and neck,     Haunted by the memory of     That old flea whose bones he crackt     On the millstones. It was tough!     And it killed him; it's a fact. V.     And he'd met that fellow, too,     Of St. Ives and all his crew,     Wives and sacks and cats; and he     Said it was a sight to see:     Wives a-scolding and the cats     Fighting in the sacks; the kits     Scratching like so many rats,     Yowling, too, to give you fits. VI.     And he said that Old King Cole     Was a fraud upon the whole:     Never had a fiddler     That could fiddle anywhere     By the side of him; and joked     While he drank the vilest brew     From a cracked old bowl; and smoked     Worse tobacco; smiling, too. VII.     And he said he knows of one     Oldtime town, all over-run     With old beggars, that at dark     Loosen dogs that bark and bark     Till the people, gone to bed,     Throw out anything they've got     Just to keep the peace. He said,     "Ought n't they to all be shot?" VIII.     And he said that that old man     Clothed in leather was a ban     On the whole community:     He was simply miserly,     Filthy, too: economized     Clothes and washing that way: and     This man simply loathed, despised     Him, his grin, and leather-band. IX.     Cinderella, too: why, she     Was a slomp; just naturally     Would n't work; and had big feet     Could have seen them 'cross the street.     Did n't marry a Prince at all,     But the ashman. Never at Court     Or a ball! She had her gall     To put that in her report! X.     Blue Beard was a much wronged man.     Think it was a well-laid plan     For his wife, her brothers there,     Just to kill him and to share     All his gold and silver. Then     Great Claus, too, was much abused.     Think that old Hans Andersen     Might have known it. He was used. XI.     Little Two Eyes ate her goat;     Was a glutton. If you'll note     All she did was eat and eat,     Thought of only bread and meat,     While her sisters, I've heard since,     Scrubbed and labored day and night;     But, it's true, she married a Prince     Fell in love with her appetite. XII.     Jack the Giant-Killer; well!     He's the worst, the sorriest sell.     This man met him, and he said     He was just a bully; bled     Folks by blackmail. Every one     Was afraid of him. But he,     This old man, once saw him run     From a boy not big as me. XIII.     Rudest girls he ever saw     Were Bo Peep and Marjory Daw;     Always careless in their dress,     Given over to idleness.     Bobby Shafto and Boy Blue,     Worst boys in the world: the one,     Fishing when he ought not to;     The other sleeping in the sun. XIV.     Lots of other things he said     That, somehow, got out my head:     Something 'bout that girl contrary     Never had a garden! Mary;     And Miss Muffet that big spider     Never did sit down beside her;     And that Curly Locks the deuce!     Never had a curl.... A few     Things he told of Mother Goose,     And I know they all are true.