Hans Breitmanns Christmas

Hc est illa bona dies     Et vocata lta quies     Vina sitientibus.     Nullus metus, nec labores,     Nulla cura, nec dolores,     Sint in hoc symposio.     De Generibus Ebriosorum, Francoforti     - ad Mnum, A.D. 1585.     D vas on Weihnachtsabend     Vot Ghristmas Efe dey call     Der Breitmann mit his Breitmen     tid rent de Musik Hall;     Ash de Breitmen und die vomen     who vere in de Liederkranz     Vouldt blend deir souls in harmonie     to have a bleasin tantz.     Dey reefed de Hall mid pushes     so nople to pe seen,     Aroundt Beethovens buster     dey on-did a garlandt creen:     De laties vork like teufels     dwo tays to scroob de vloor     Und hanged a crate serenity     mit WILLKOMM! oop de toor!     Und vhile dere vas a Schwein-blatt     whose redakteur tid say,     Die Breitmann he vas liederlich:     ve ant-worded dis-a way,     Ve maked anoder serenity     mid ledders plue und red:     Our Leader lick de repels!     N.G. (enof gesaid.)     Und anoder serene dransbarency     ve make de veller baint,     Boot de vay he potch und vertyfeled id,     vas enof to shvear a saint,     For ve vanted LA GERMANIA;     boot der ardist mit a bloonder,     Vent und vlorished LAGER agross id -     und denn poot MANIA oonder!     Now ve moost pe guest-friendlich,     said Breitmann, said he;     Und shoot te toor vide oben,     for beople all to see.     Four elemends indernally     unided make a punsch;     Boot id dakes a tausend fellers     vhen you gifes dem freie lunsch.     Und as Ghristmas Efe vas gekommen,     de beoplesh weren im Hall;     I shvears you id vas Gott-full     dat shplendit, pegloryd ball;     Ve hat foon wie der Teufel in Frankreich     ve coot oop like der teufel in France,     Und valk pair-wise in,     vhile de musik blayed loudt de Fackel-Tanz.     Boot vhen de valtz shtrike oopwart     ve most went out of fits,     Ash der Breitmann led off on a dwister     mit de lofely Helmine Schmitz.     He valtz yoost like he vas shtandin shtill     mit a peaudiful solemn shmile,     Und Helmine say he nefer shtop     poussiren alla weil.     Es tnt, es rauschet Saitenklang     I hear de musik call     Den herzenhellen Saal entlang     all droo de gleamin Hall.     O mcht ich schweben stolz und froh     O mighdt I efer pe     Mit dir durchs ganze Leben so!     mine Lebanlang py dee!     Und vaster blay de musik     de Wellen und Wogen von Strauss;     Und soom drop indo de tantzen,     und soom of dem drop aus;     Und soon like a shtorm in de Meere     I veel de reelin vloor,     So de shpinners shtop mit de shpinsters,     for dey couldnt shpin no more.     Now weren ve all frolic,     und lauter guter ding,     Und dirsty ash a broosh-pinder     vhen ve hear some glasses ring;     Foors mild und sonft in de distants     like de song of a nightingall,     Denn a ringin und rottlin und clotterin     ash de Glck of Edenhall?     Hei! how ve roosh on de liquor!     hei: how de kellners coom:     Hei! how ve busted de bier-kegs     und poonished de Punsch a la Rhum.     Like lonely wafes at mitternight     oopon some shiant shore     Like an awful shtorm in de Wlder     vas de dirsty Deutschers roar!     I pyed some carts for a dime abiece     I pyed shoost fifdy-dwo,     Dey vere goot for bier, or schnapps,     or wein by doonder how dey flew!     I ring de deck on de vaiters     for liquor hot und cool,     Und efery dime I blays a cart,     py shings, I rake de pool!     Und ash ve trinked so comforble,     like boogs in any roog,     De trompets blowed tan da ra dei,     und dere come in a Maskenzug,     A peaudiful brocession,     soul-raisin and sooplime,     De marmorbilds of de heroes     of de early Sharman dime.     Dere vent der gros Arminius,     mit his frau Thusnelda, doo,     De vellers ash lam de Romans     dill dey roon mit noses plue;     Denn vollowed Quinctilius Varus     who carry a Roman yoke,     Und arm in arm mit Gambrinus     coom der Allemane Chroc.     Der Alte Friedrich Rothbart,     und Kaiser Karl der crate,     Mit Roland und Uliverus     vent shveepin on in shtate;     Und Conradin, whose sad-full deat     shtill makes our heartsen pleed,     Und all ov dem oldt vellers     aus dem Nibelungen Lied.     Und as dey mofed on, der Breitmann     maked a tyfeled shplendid witz     In anti-word to dis quesdion     from de lofely Mina Schmitz:     Vhy ish id dey always makes in shtone     dem vellers so andiquadet?     Vhy dey set in de laps of Ages     dill dey got lapi-dated!     Und shoost as de last of dis hisdory     hat fanished droo de door,     Ve heardt a ge-screech,     and Pelz Nickel coom howlin on de vloor;     Denn de laties yell like der teufel,     und vly like gulls mit wings,     Und der Pelz Nickel lick em mit svitches,     und ve laugh like eferydings.     I nefer hafe sooch laughen     before dat I vas geborn;     Und Pelz Nickel, vhen tvas ober,     he plow on a yger horn,     Und denounce do all de beople     gesembled in de hall:     Dat a Ghristmas dree vas vaiten,     mit bresents for oos all!     So ve vollowed him into de zimmer     so quick ash dese vords he said,     To kit dem peaudiful bresents,     all gratis und on de dead;     Und in facdt a shplendid Weihnachtsbaum     mit lighds ve druly vound,     Und liddel kifts dat ge-kostet     a benny abiece all round!     Dere vas Rike Strange die Dessauerinn     a maedchen shtraigdt und tall,     She cot a bicture of Cubid     boot she tidnt see it ad all,     Dill der Breitmann say, mit his shplendid shtyle     dat all de laties dake:     Dat pend of de bow ish de Crecian pend     dat you so ofden make!     Anoder scharmante laity,     Maria Top, did cot,     A schwingin mit a ribbon,     a liddle benny pot;     Boot Breitmann hafe id de roughest     of any oder mans,     For he kit a yellow gratle     mit a liddle vooden Hans.     Denn next Beethovens Sinfonie,     die orkester tid blay;     Adagio allegro     andante cantabile.     Ve sat in shtill commotion     so dat a bin mighdt drops,     Und de deers roon town der Breitmanns sheeks,     mitwhiles he was trinkin schnapps.     Next dings ve had de Weinnachtstraum     ge-sung by de Liederkranz,     Denn I trinked dwelf schoppens of glee-wine     to sed me oop for a tantz;     Dis dimes I tanz wie der Teufel     we shriek de volk on de vloor;     Und boost right indo de sooper room -     vor ve tanzt a hole droo de door!     Denn Twas rowdy tow und hop-sassa,     ve hollered, Mann und Weib;     Rip Sam und sed her oop acain!     vere all of de Shackdaw tribe!     Vhen Pelz Nickel plow his tromp vonce more,     und peg oos to shtop our din,     Und droo de oben door dere coomed     nine den-pins marchin in.     Nine vellers tressed like den-pins     dey goed to de end der hall.     Und dwo Hans Wurst, shack-puddin glowns     dey rolled at em mit a ball.     De balls vas paintet peaudiful;     dey was vifdeen feet aroundt;     Und de rule ov de came: whoefer cot hidt,     moost doomple on de croundt.     Sometimes dey hit de den-pins     sometimes de oder volk     Und pooty soon de gompany     vas all laid out in shoke;     Boot I dells you vot, it maked oos laugh     dill we by-nearly shplits,     Vhen der Breitmann he roll ofer,     und drip oop de Mina Schmitz.     Dis lets itself in Sharman pe     foost-rade word-blayed on,     Und mongst oos be-gifted vellers     you pet dat id vas tone!     How der Breitmann mighdt drafel ash bride-man on     de roadt dat ish breit und krumm:     Here de drumpets soundt,     and pair-wise ve goed for de sooper-room.     Ve goed for ge-roasted Welsh-hens,     ve goed for ge-spickter hare,     Ve goed for kartoffel salade     mit butter brod,-kaviar:     Ve roosh at de lordtly sauer-kraut     und de wurst which lofely shine,     Und oh, mein Gott im Kimmel!     how we goed for de Mosel-wein!     Und troonker more, und troonker yet,     und troonker shtill cot ve,     In rosy lighdt shtill drivin on     agross a fairy sea;     Denn madder, vilder, frantic-er,     I proked a salat dish!     Und shoost like roarin elefants     ve tantzed aroundt de tish.     Ife shvimmed in heafenly droonks pefore     boot nefer von like dis;     De morgen-het-ache only seemt     a bortion of de pliss.     De vhile in trilling peauty roundt     like heafenly vind-harps rang     A goosh of goldnen melodie     de Rheinweinbechers Klang.     De meltin minnesingers song     a droonk of honeyd rhyme     De bwildrin-dipsy Bardic shants     of Teutoburgic dime;     Back to de runic dim Valhall     und Balders foamin mead:     Here ents in heller glorie schein     des Breitmanns Weihnachtslied!