How Little Red Riding Hood Came To Be Eaten

Most worthy of praise     Were the virtuous ways     Of Little Red Riding Hood's Ma,     And no one was ever     More cautious and clever     Than Little Red Riding Hood's Pa.     They never misled,     For they meant what they said,     And would frequently say what they meant,     And the way she should go     They were careful to show,     And the way that they showed her, she went.     For obedience she was effusively thanked,     And for anything else she was carefully spanked.     It thus isn't strange     That Red Riding Hood's range     Of virtues so steadily grew,     That soon she won prizes     Of different sizes,     And golden encomiums, too!     As a general rule     She was head of her school,     And at six was so notably smart     That they gave her a cheque     For reciting "The Wreck     Of the Hesperus," wholly by heart!     And you all will applaud her the more, I am sure,     When I add that this money she gave to the poor.     At eleven this lass     Had a Sunday-school class,     At twelve wrote a volume of verse,     At thirteen was yearning     For glory, and learning     To be a professional nurse.     To a glorious height     The young paragon might     Have grown, if not nipped in the bud,     But the following year     Struck her smiling career     With a dull and a sickening thud!     (I have shed a great tear at the thought of her pain,     And must copy my manuscript over again!)     Not dreaming of harm,     One day on her arm     A basket she hung. It was filled     With jellies, and ices,     And gruel, and spices,     And chicken-legs, carefully grilled,     And a savory stew,     And a novel or two     She'd persuaded a neighbor to loan,     And a hot-water can,     And a Japanese fan,     And a bottle of eau-de-cologne,     And the rest of the things that your family fill     Your room with, whenever you chance to be ill!     She expected to find     Her decrepit but kind     Old Grandmother waiting her call,     But the visage that met her     Completely upset her:     It wasn't familiar at all!     With a whitening cheek     She started to speak,     But her peril she instantly saw:--     Her Grandma had fled,     And she'd tackled instead     Four merciless Paws and a Maw!     When the neighbors came running, the wolf to subdue,     He was licking his chops, (and Red Riding Hood's, too!)     At this terrible tale     Some readers will pale,     And others with horror grow dumb,     And yet it was better,     I fear, he should get her:     Just think what she might have become!     For an infant so keen     Might in future have been     A woman of awful renown,     Who carried on fights     For her feminine rights     As the Mare of an Arkansas town.     She might have continued the crime of her 'teens,     And come to write verse for the Big Magazines!     The Moral: There's nothing much glummer     Than children whose talents appall:     One much prefers those who are dumber,     But as for the paragons small,     If a swallow cannot make a summer     It can bring on a summary fall!