Philosopher, A

Zack Bumstead useter flosserfize     About the ocean an' the skies;     An' gab an' gas f'um morn till noon     About the other side the moon;     An' 'bout the natur of the place     Ten miles beyend the end of space.     An' if his wife she'd ask the crank     Ef he wouldn't kinder try to yank     Hisself out-doors an' git some wood     To make her kitchen fire good,     So she c'd bake her beans an' pies,     He'd say, "I've gotter flosserfize."     An' then he'd set an' flosserfize     About the natur an' the size     Of angels' wings, an' think, and gawp,     An' wonder how they make 'em flop.     He'd calkerlate how long a skid     'Twould take to move the sun, he did;     An' if the skid was strong an' prime,     It couldn't be moved to supper-time.     An' w'en his wife 'd ask the lout     Ef he wouldn't kinder waltz about     An' take a rag an' shoo the flies,     He'd say, "I've gotter flosserfize."     An' then he'd set an' flosserfize     'Bout schemes for fencing in the skies,     Then lettin' out the lots to rent,     So's he could make an honest cent.     An' if he'd find it pooty tough     To borry cash fer fencin'-stuff;     An' if 'twere best to take his wealth     An' go to Europe for his health,     Or save his cash till he'd enough     To buy some more of fencin'-stuff;     Then, ef his wife she'd ask the gump     Ef he wouldn't kinder try to hump     Hisself to t'other side the door,     So she c'd come an' sweep the floor,     He'd look at her with mournful eyes,     An' say, "I've gotter flosserfize."     An' so he'd set an' flosserfize     'Bout what it wuz held up the skies,     An' how God made this earthly ball     Jest simply out er nawthin' 'tall,     An' 'bout the natur, shape, an' form     Of nawthin' that he made it from.     Then, ef his wife sh'd ask the freak     Ef he wouldn't kinder try to sneak     Out to the barn an' find some aigs,     He'd never move, nor lift his laigs;     He'd never stir, nor try to rise,     But say, "I've gotter flosserfize."     An' so he'd set an' flosserfize     About the earth, an' sea, an' skies,     An' scratch his head, an' ask the cause     Of w'at there wuz before time wuz,     An' w'at the universe 'd do     Bimeby w'en time hed all got through;     An' jest how fur we'd have to climb     Ef we sh'd travel out er time;     An' ef we'd need, w'en we got there,     To keep our watches in repair.     Then, ef his wife she'd ask the gawk     Ef he wouldn't kinder try to walk     To where she had the table spread,     An' kinder git his stomach fed,     He'd leap for that ar kitchen door,     An' say, "W'y didn't you speak afore?"     An' when he'd got his supper et,     He'd set, an' set, an' set, an' set,     An' fold his arms, an' shet his eyes,     An' set, an' set, an' flosserfize.