The Baffled Grumbler.

Whene'er I poke     Sarcastic joke     Replete with malice spiteful,     The people vile     Politely smile     And vote me quite delightful!     Now, when a wight     Sits up all night     Ill-natured jokes devising,     And all his wiles     Are met with smiles,     It's hard, there's no disguising!     Oh, don't the days seem lank and long     When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,     And isn't your life extremely flat     With nothing whatever to grumble at!     When German bands     From music stands     Play Wagner imperfectly     I bid them go     They don't say no,     But off they trot directly!     The organ boys     They stop their noise     With readiness surprising,     And grinning herds     Of hurdy-gurds     Retire apologizing!     Oh, don't the days seem lank and long     When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,     And isn't your life extremely flat     With nothing whatever to grumble at!     I've offered gold,     In sums untold,     To all who'd contradict me     I've said I'd pay     A pound a day     To any one who kicked me     I've bribed with toys     Great vulgar boys     To utter something spiteful,     But, bless you, no!     They will be so     Confoundedly politeful!     In short, these aggravating lads     They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads,     They give me this and they give me that,     And I've nothing whatever to grumble at!