The Disagreeable Man.

If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:     I'm a genuine philanthropist all other kinds are sham.     Each little fault of temper and each social defect     In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct.     To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes     And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;     I love my fellow creatures I do all the good I can     Yet everybody say I'm such a disagreeable man!     And I can't think why!     To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;     And vanity I always do my best to mortify;     A charitable action I can skilfully dissect:     And interested motives I'm delighted to detect.     I know everybody's income and what everybody earns,     And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns;     But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,     Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!     And I can't think why!     I'm sure I'm no ascetic: I'm as pleasant as can be;     You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;     I've an irritating chuckle; I've a celebrated sneer;     I've an entertaining snigger; I've a fascinating leer;     To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;     I can tell a woman's age in half a minute and I do     But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,     Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!     And I can't think why!