The Pawky Duke.

[It is hoped that all Scottish characteristics known to the Southron are here: pawkiness and pride of race; love of the dram; redness of hair; eldership of, and objection to instrumental music in the Kirk; hatred of the Sassenach; inability to see a joke, etc., etc. An undying portrait is thus put on record of the typical Scot of the day.]     There aince was a very pawky duke,     Far kent for his joukery-pawkery,     Wha owned a hoose wi' a gran' outlook,     A gairden an' a rockery.     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     Hoot ay! An' a rockery!     For a bonnet laird wi' a sma' kailyaird     Is naethin' but a mockery!     He dwalt far up a Heelant glen     Where the foamin' flood an' the crag is,     He dined each day on the usquebae     An' he washed it doon wi' haggis.     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     Hoot ay! An' a haggis!     For that's the way that the Heelanters dae     Whaur the foamin' flood an' the crag is!     He wore a sporran an' a dirk,     An' a beard like besom bristles,     He was an elder o' the kirk     And he hated kists o' whistles!     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     An' doon on kists o' whistles!     They're a' reid-heidit fowk up North     Wi' beards like besom bristles!     His hair was reid as ony rose,     His legs was lang an' bony,     He keepit a hoast an' a rubbin'-post     An' a buskit cockernony!     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     An' a buskit cockernony!     Ye ne'er will ken true Heelantmen     Wha'll own they hadna ony!     An' if he met a Sassenach,     Attour in Caledonia,     He gart him lilt in a cotton kilt     Till he took an acute pneumonia!     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     An' a Sassenach wi' pneumonia!     He lat him feel that the Land o' the Leal     'S nae far frae Caledonia!     Then aye afore he socht his bed     He danced the Gillie Callum,     An' wi's Kilmarnock owre his neb     What evil could befall him!     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     What evil could befall him?     When he cast his buits an' soopled his cuits     Wi' a gude-gaun Gillie Callum!     But they brocht a joke, they did indeed,     Ae day for his eedification,     An' they needed to trephine his heid     Sae he deed o' the operation!     Hech mon! The pawky duke!     Wae's me for the operation!     For weel I wot this typical Scot     Was a michty loss to the nation!