Why Washington Retreated

1775     Said Congress to George Washington:     "To set this country free,     You'll have to whip the Britishers     And chase them o'er the sea."     "Oh, very well," said Washington,     "I'll do the best I can.     I'll slam and bang those Britishers     And whip them to a man." 1777     Said Congress to George Washington:     "The people all complain;     Why don't you fight? You but retreat     And then retreat again."     "That can't be helped," said Washington,     "As you will quite agree     When you see how the novelists     Have mixed up things for me."     Said Congress to George Washington:     "Pray make your meaning clear."     Said Washington: "Why, certainly     But pray excuse this tear.     Of course we know," said Washington,     "The object of this war     It is to furnish novelists     With patriotic lore."     Said Congress to George Washington:     "Yes! yes! but pray proceed."     Said Washington: "My part in it     Is difficult indeed,     For every hero in the books     Must sometime meet with me,     And every sweet-faced heroine     I must kiss gallantly."     Said Congress to George Washington:     "But why must you retreat?"     Said Washington: "One moment, please,     My story to complete.     These hero-folk are scattered through     The whole United States;     At every little country town     A man or maiden waits."     To Congress said George Washington:     "At Harlem I must be     On such a day to chat with one,     And then I'll have to flee     With haste to Jersey, there to meet     Another. Here's a list     Of sixty-seven heroes, and     There may be some I've missed."     To Congress said George Washington:     "Since I must meet them all     (And if I don't you know how flat     The novels all will fall),     I cannot take much time to fight,     I must be on the run,     Or some historic novelist     Will surely be undone."     Said Congress to George Washington:     "You are a noble man.     Your thoughtfulness is notable,     And we approve your plan;     A battle won pads very well     A novel that is thin,     But it is better to retreat     Than miss one man and win."     Said Congress to George Washington:     "Kiss every pretty maid,     But do it in a courtly way     And in a manner staid     And some day when your sword is sheathed     And all our banners furled,     A crop of novels will spring up     That shall appal the world."