Options, Decisions, and Fears...

One day,     quite recently,           I had some options               to make a decision on… There were only two,     or so I thought… As I began to explore     these two options,           suddenly,               out of the blue,                     a third option presented itself… I wondered why this option     even came up at all,           but it did… As I began to ponder     the now three options,           the first two blended into one… And now I had two options again… But now the then third option,     the very one I did not expect,           one I thought I really did not want to make,               loomed before me,                     calling my name… As I began the process of deciding,     on which one to do,           all of the advantages,               and few of the disadvantages,                     seemed to be held within that last,                         unexpected option… I questioned the option,     I wondered why it came up… For I knew it would be filled     with fears like none,           I had ever known… It was an option,     I had left long before… And I knew what it     would mean to my life… It would cause things     inside of me to happen,           I did not want… For I would be giving up something,     I did not want to give up… I never even dreamed,     of doing such a thing… I even spoke badly     of this particular option,           many times before… So I wondered, pondered,     the very purpose,           of it’s appearance… For I knew I would face some fears… I knew there would be a fantasy,     that would turn into reality… And sometimes I feared that reality,     more than anything else,           I had ever feared, In my life… Or so I thought… Suddenly, the once two separate options,     that had blended into one,           that had at one time,               had seemed to be the only ones,                     simply faded away,                         for they held all the disadvantages,                               and few of the advantages… But, I still wondered,     about the decision,           I was about to make… I even tried     to come up with reasons           not to take that option… But that option still called my name… And said: “I am what you really want to do…” Some of the fears involved with this option,     were terribly burned into my heart… For if I took this option,     it would mean,           giving up a life,               a life that meant so much to me… And I knew, when and if,     that option was implemented,           there would be a process,               I feared to even start… I knew the old feelings,     would present themselves           to me… Feelings I thought I had buried,     long before… There was another advantage,     to this option,           I had taken out of consideration… It had to do with that fantasy,     and that reality,           I thought I feared… But, when I truly looked at that reality,     there became no other choice… For I knew that that reality,     would present itself,           no matter what I chose… But then,     it could be too late… I did my best,     to try and talk myself           out of this option… But it would not leave… It said: “I am really what you want to do.” So I made the decision,     to take that option,           I thought I did not want… Thinking I would change     my mind in time… Instead, in time,     the decision grew stronger… That decision would cause me,     to face my fears… For I would make a clean break,     and start a new life,           and leave a life behind,               that I had grown to love… I knew it would be     the most difficult thing,           I had ever done… Tougher even than     the one thing I never wanted to do,           that was for sure… For I also knew,     that last time,           as I drove away               from the first option,                     away from the place                         I had called home,                               for quite a while… Going back to the place,     I had always called home,           the final unexpected option… I could not bring someone with me,     I would be leaving her memory behind,           and I would start a new life… In a sense,     she was already there… But I would never see her again,     ever be able to touch her hand again,           ever kiss her lips again,               ever take her into my arms again,                     ever hear her voice as she said:                         “I love you” again… But I knew I could visit her,     as often as I wished,           and I could seemingly talk to her… I found that what I truly feared the most,     was this: The memories would fade in time,     of the place I had left… The memories of what we had in that place,     would fade too… The memories of the love, and of the honor,     and of the sacrifice that was made,           would also fade… Also, on the day coming soon,     the very day I drive away, from this place,           for the final time,               of this chapter of my life… Away from this place I have called home… I will be going home,     to make new memories,           new GOOD memories… To start a new life… To start a new love… To start a new happiness… To be near my family… To make wonderful NEW memories… Perhaps all that can help,     to erase those old memories somewhat… Although I know they will never fully go away… The terrible memories,     that burned themselves           deep into my soul, as if with a hot torch… The horrible memories of that night… The awful memories of what happened… Perhaps now,     they can fade too… The memories of that night,     when with our love,           still strong in our hearts,               for each other,                     and her name upon my lips… The memories of the night,     when suddenly,           without warning… The love of my life,     my beloved wife,           died in my arms… © Jonathan Wikkins 2001 Revised March 6, 2008 All Rights Reservedi realize this one may be a bit redundant, but when you're making very tough decisions, redundancies are involved in it... Written November 6th, 2001 © on Nov 06 2001 04:04 AM PST, David Michael Shurtleff   angst