Not a harm (more rant than poem)
By kittycatds
The other night I was thinking about my mom. It's never a good thing to do. So you have a little background info, my mother died 3 years ago this past May. I am still not actually sure how or what she died from, but it more or less comes down to she did too many drugs. They weren't street drugs, just plain old fashion painkillers and such. She had been that way for almost as long as I can remember. But the other night I started to think about one of the times we (my older sister and I) took her to a hospital to try to "dry her out." It wouldn't have been the first time, but when it comes to someone you love, you just have to keep trying. The doctor talked to us first and then went and talked to her. Of course my mother didn't think she had a problem. I guess she thought being out of it for a week at a time was normal. She must of thought really NEEDING a drug to function day in and day out was somehow ok. Perhaps she thought WE were crazy for being so upset by having to nurse her though the bad days, only to be treated like shit on the days she was sober. When the doctor came out, he told us that they weren't going to keep her because she didn't admit to having a problem and she wasn't a harm to herself or others. It was the last part that pissed me off. It was that statement that made me so angry, that had me wanting to go back and find that doctor and show him her death certificate. It makes me want to yell and scream at him for being so blind, so uncaring and so horrible at his job. It had me angry at myself for not being more assertive about her problem, for not pointing out all the things she had done and said. For not going back in there and making a fuss. "Not a harm to herself or others" It just rings in my ears some nights. It reminds me of all the times I had to pick up the drugs she had dropped all over the bathroom floor because she was already so bombed she couldn't stand up straight, let alone open a bottle and pop more pills without spilling some on the ground. It reminds me of the immense anger I felt every time I did pick them up hoping that my kids didn't get hold of them before I did, or find some that I may have missed. "Not a harm to herself or others" It brings back visions of screaming at her like a child to go back to her room when she was so bad off that she couldn't walk down the stairs. Instead she slid herself down on her ass like a child who just learned to walk. And I stood in her way at the end trying to keep her away from my girls, wanting nothing more than for them to not have to see that, to not have to know that part of my mother or me. "Not a harm to herself or others" Reminders of how she wouldn't go upstairs and passed out right there, too big for me to move and too out of it to move herself. And then my father came home and I had to tell him the whole story of how she was in her room just like the two days before that and I called 911 but when they showed up she suddenly woke up and refused to go, only to come downstairs and pass out right there. My father called 911 again. They took her only to find out she had a drug-induced heart attack. "Not a harm to herself or others" It makes me cry silently at night. It reminds me that she didn't see her youngest son graduate from school. She wasn't here to find out that he is now engaged. It makes me sad to know she won't see her grandkids grow up. She wasn't there this weekend for her oldest grandchild's graduation party. She doesn't know she has three more grandkids since she has pasted on. It upsets me that I can't tell her about how proud I am of my own oldest child who just finished kindergarten. "Not a harm to herself or others" One phrase, one simple phrase brings back too many memories, too many feelings. And it makes me wonder how many others have died because they too are thought to be "not a harm."This something I wrote awhile ago, I know its not a poem, but it just as personal and thought out as one, so I posted it anyway... Sometimes the regret of not trying hard enough can kill ya inside. Commented on: "Smoky Memories" by Blupoetess "Imprsionment of an Angel" by serendipity2 "I Threw It All Away" by Subtle x Tears Written February 3rd, 2002 © on Feb 03 2002 06:02 AM PST 0 • 18 • 1
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"The other night I was thinking about my mom. It's never a good thing to do. So you have a little background info, my mother died 3 years ago this past May. I am still not actually sure how or what she died from, but it more or less comes down to she did too many drugs. They weren't street drugs, just plain old fashion painkillers and such. She had been that way for almost as long as I can remember. But the other night I started to think about one of the times we (my older sister and I) took her to a hospital to try to "dry her out." It wouldn't have been the first time, but when it comes to someone you love, you just have to keep trying. The doctor talked to us first and then went and talked to her. Of course my mother didn't think she had a problem. I guess she thought being out of it for a week at a time was normal. She must of thought really NEEDING a drug to function day in and day out was somehow ok. Perhaps she thought WE were crazy for being so upset by having to nurse her though the bad days, only to be treated like shit on the days she was sober...."