(Ode to) A Migraine

I feel its drain pain's thunder echoes roars intensely under my brain when it will stop God only knows burning flames foggy skies psychic games boggy eyes             mind medicine slowly works magic ~hallucinogenic mushroom~ this pounding makes me sick...  I wait for icy numbness to set in insanity lies in some darkened room stress released to my frosty neck nauseous sensation tranquility infusion nocturnal sedation opium confusion relief comes soon            once more I sleep long into the afternoon awaken again... endure pain's quake and weep just another day in the life of a migraine. (c) 4/99, 11/04 SmSThis is my version of "a migraine". I think I had them as a kid, what I called my "sick headaches". I remember coming home from school (possibly around age 11 to 13) nauseous and puking my guts out and stomach pain and had headaches alot, but not sure if they are related to the headaches I get now...never told anyone or saw a doctor, except once after a rock was thrown at my head by some kid and had such a bad headache I begged to go to the doctor and was diagnosed with a possible "mild" concussion but my parents didn't bring me back for testing, etc. as was suggested... And there were several other "minor" head injuries includ. the usual falls from monkey bars, getting hit with basketballs, also some from being abused...and in 7th grade a school bully slammed my locker against my head and I have no real memory of what happened afterwards, think I blanked out...just remember looking around and everyone else left but my best friend who told me I hit the girl in the stomach, and the "bully" never bullied me again. Most of it was a blur but vaguely remember walking to class feeling sick and had headaches and dizzines for awhile after that. I don't think I reported it for fear of getting in trouble or the girl coming after me. There were other times like that where I got hit in the head, includ. when my parents beat me repeatedly for saying some "dirty" words, etc. and my head was hit against the railing, the tub, etc. (my mom came after me upstairs when my dad finished hitting me with his belt and they wouldn't let me call a doctor when I cried about my head hurting) I forget now, but think the bad headaches more or less went away for awhile til I was an adult or at least my late teens. So it's possible the concussions, etc. played a part in making my headaches worse. Then I was in a serious car accident at 21 (1983), and had spine injuries, traumatic brain injury w/permanent cognitive impairments, etc. and a combo of post traumatic/TMJ/migraine headaches just about every day for years, got much worse after TMJ disorder from my accident acted up (forcing me to leave work in 1990), but they got a little better after 2 disk surgeries on my jaws (arthroscopy and arthocentesis) in '91... Though the headaches (and TMJ problem) never went away completely, and get worse for no apparent reason at times...I've had frequent headaches for over 20 yrs. just since the car accident alone, not counting the ones I had as a child, but it's too long ago to remember how often or what they were like. And since I didn't have a proper diagnosis back then I'll never know really, but I suspect my head injuries as a kid were more than "mild" and possibly had brain damage long before my car accident when it was officially diagnosed in '83, and now I have so many things wrong so it's hard to tell for sure what caused what. But I do think the traumatic brain injury from the car accident, other multiple "mild" concussions before and after that (includ. 3 in past 5 yrs. or so) and other medical conditions includ. vision problems, degenerative cervical disks, spinal stenosis, endocrine/hormone condition, etc. played a big part and aggravate my headaches and other symptoms like dizziness, etc. Also some foods, MSG, strong scents, chemicals, blinking/flashing or bright lights, loud noise, hormones, some drugs espec. birth control pills and decongestants, etc. and other things... And this could be coincidental, but I notice that when I use my computer, do any kind of mental work or concentrate for long periods of time (like when playing around with a computer ESP program), the headaches tend to get worse or more intense. Also stress does make them worse some, but to be honest I should be ready to blow my brains out having headaches 24/7 and in the ER, with all the stress I have. So I really don't think stress is the cause, it may aggravate them but it doesn't affect migraines as much as people think...at least with me it doesn't. And luckily they're not as bad since I got on a new med. in 2000 for neck/back pain, etc. It works far better than any other drugs I've tried...except for Depakote, a seizure med., which worked pretty good but I had to stop, as my hair was falling out, I gained weight, blood count dropped and it caused a hormone disorder, etc...oh, but it helped my migraines. Aleve also helps sometimes...but works better to prevent them. I'm on a long acting narcotic which I take daily and have to fight for, and it's been a blessing for my spine pain and also migraines aren't as bad or frequent, though I better shut up now, they're unpredictable. Just when you think they're better, another one creeps up. lol Written February 11th, 2002 © on Feb 11 2002 11:17 AM PST, Sheryl Marcia Schwartz   18 • 4 • 1