Episode II Revisited

Episode II One Insanity Revisited CAREFUL! There Are Disturbing Images In This Work! *Not Really A Poem Like My Usuals* There is hope for Depression And Panic Attacks! *Based in truth on one of my five most powerful dreams! This is the second recurance of the same dream that once brought on my first significant panic attack. PF Was one of my most horendously terrifying dreams with a fear that was worse than death, that being insanity, to lose the mind/soul of who I am! There were sounds, crashing, clanking like a sword striking a shield with a deeper bass, like two gallon metal cooking pots banging against each other, the noise was deafening and it was nerve racking, very disturbing, as it went on from the very beginning completely to the end. There I was with my wife in the job scene situation. The place looked like a huge warehouse with enormeous machines that were fatal to get too close to. The contraptions were running amok, coming and going, working freely, with no controlers operating. The place was a maze of aisles, where you could only see in the one with which you are standing. I had work to perform and though my wife was in the dream, she was missing from me very often. I knew my responsibility and I was doing the best that I could possibly to the point I was obsessed to get the jobs done, but I could never accomplish any task for the huge machines kept coming and going, as I was terribly affeared of them. I was pressed to get something done, anything at all that might be possible. There were the thunderous clanks- that were in perfect rhythm clank clank clank-clank clank clank. With this going on and with my losing sense of direction getting more lost, I asked my wife to help me find where I was wanting to go, but then she left, simply vanishing into non-existence! For that moment of time, the clanks, the terrible frustration and the abandonement of her, I was getting so full of rage and desperation. Also, each time I tried to do anything, one of the huge machines tried to smash me into nothing if I just made an effort. The harder I tried, the worse things got and a viscious cycle was manifested, as my continual obsession. These machines could run you over, they could smash you sideways, in fact, I remember people jumping with perfect timing to avoid being crushed by the machines working sideways, It was too much, I found my way to the one controler who was faceless, just like every other person there and it was many regular people. I told the person I can't do this, but I would face deep regret if I failed and that person made that point clear. So, again I made the atempt and everything, my obsession, my anger and my failures repeated over and over and over with the synchronized timing of that fearsome noise. I came to my breaking point after fifty atempts to accomplishing my tasks at hand. Finally, I fell onto the floor and I was at some peace for a minute length of time. Afterward, someone came and tried to aid. I was a screaming maniac trying to tell everybody, anybody about how much danger those darned machines are for all of us. Somehow with my hurting, pleading and crying, someone heard and the machines ceased to work, but that wretched clanking was still happening. I was there in the middle of the floor, shaking, hurting, crying and in terrible confusion with a great frustration. It was too late for me, I had a bad breakdown and I could barely remember who I was. In my mind, I remember many sounds crashing, not just the first ones that bothered me. I was at the end of myself by this time, did I have a nervous breakdown in my dream? For a moment I perceived in reality that, I went insane in my dream! From that point, the dream changes to I and a child, an infant riding up in a staff elevator and after moving just a tiny bit, the elevator we were in was like a Ferris Wheel at a carnival, the clanking is still sounding. I and this child, my child were looking over the bow of our seats and I saw my wife. We were up quiet high (I've always had an unrealistic fear of great heights). My wife was holding a child also and I knew that child was ours also. The child with me wanted to see his Mother. He kind of toppeled the seat we were in. Next thing I see is a child falling, faling down- down- down, it seemed like it was forever and from the shock of this terrible image, I WOKE UP! The dream is over and I am very troubled. First thing I felt after waking up was I was soaking wet, my head, my hands, my chest, my feet, even my hair- No part of my body was dry! I had this same dream before- It was in 1996 and this dream triggered my first panic attack, which took me to the hospital in an ambulance! After that attack, I have coped with depression, I knew I had something wrong with me, but I never learned about depression. Before when I had this same dream, going to the hospital and being scared to live, I had no control over my panic attacks or nervous ones. But this time, it was different because, I woke up in sweats all over. Then, my mind was racing thoughts. This time, I also had huge guilt complex feelings, but I in my heart sensed that now, I'm living much better than the bad man I was before. I had security with knowing that God has seen my efforts and I felt at ease. I was sweaty from head to toe, I had the racing thoughts, I was freezing all over and shivering, shaking erratically! My stomach was most ill to feeling like I could throw up, but I didn't. My voice was quivering and I hurt terribly in my chest and stomach and I could not breathe very well, but my heart was pounding! Once again, I took a long look at my life. This time, I felt some peace within myself. I learned before that panic attacks are empowered dramatically by the victim's fear. This time! Though I was most uncomfortable and somewhat concerned, I suppressed, nearly dissipating my fear and it was tough to do that! I told my wife about it, I said I'll be ok, but I asked her to turn over towards me to keep me warm and it was in her embrace and my faith in God's saving grace, that I layed silently, meditating my excitement back down to normal, and after a while, I fell back asleep again peacefully. When I awoke a few hours later, I was fine, but again, my hair was wet. ***** Poetic Fanatic ***** Written January 28th, 2002 © on Jan 28 2002 01:03 PM PST, Thomas Crumpler   0 • 10