Marriage, what it takes. (Long read in story style)

So many marriages seem to fail and end in divorce. I think that many people enter into a marriage without really understanding just exactly what it is they are doing. Relationship of love in general, share the same fate in all to many cases, ending with the love lost. We promise to love, honor and cherish until death we do part, but these are just the standard words that are said in the coarse of this process of becoming married. I wonder how many truly take these words to heart, at least in the long run. How many loves have started out so unbelievably passionately only to find that the passion fades and in time dies. How many know how to keep love alive? How many know how to breathe life into their love and keep the flames burning brightly over time? Love's flames will not and do not automatically maintain themselves. It is up to both to keep the flames blazing. We must continuously place logs on our fires and frequently fan those flames if we expect them to flourish in a healthy state that would last a lifetime. As always, it takes two to perform this task, for one alone is surely destined to fail. Such a precious gift, the love from one to another is, when reciprocated in kind, and to think that it could not last, but die and cease to exist. The heart would thrive on love, fueled by the desire to be with one another and share these wondrous gifts of life and love together, should we be smart enough to have a plan, and do the work to make it work. We must be constantly on guard to protect that which would be the greatest treasure we might ever know, this true love. To blindly partake in a relationship with no vision of the long term big picture, no conviction, no commitment, or no dogged determination to care for this most valuable of gifts is fool hearted to say the least. Would we not care for any of our treasures with the greatest of care and what greater treasure could there ever be than that of true love everlasting. So, as I sit here and wonder what it takes to make and man woman relationship and love last, here are a few ideas that I believe in. There must first, of coarse, be this mutual understanding of what a valuable gift the true love that you shared is. Then both must be aware that this love must be cared for and maintained just as all things of great value must and the rewards would be just as great as the love in equal proportion. Regularly properly preformed maintenance on our automobiles will keep them in top working order with maximum performance, and longevity. This is also true for the most part when it comes to our health. Why then, would it not be true when it comes to a relationship of love or a marriage. We must also have an understand that our relationship is something that we want to share for the rest of our lives, and we must be totally committed to it in every way. Being human, perfection eludes us all, and there will be mistake, miscommunications, misunderstandings, disagreements, arguments, and at times even angry words. It is important that both know that these things, in time, will come and to expect them and prepare for them, and agree that you're not going to let them destroy your relationship, but instead do all that can be done to work through them and trying to learn from and use them to help find ways to grow closer by better knowing and understanding one another's wants and needs. The angry words can come from poor communication, frustration, unfulfilled expectations and feelings of unfair treatment, just to name a few. As we better learn communication skills between one another and gain a greater understanding of just what is to be expected of one another, these feelings of frustration and being treated unfairly should become less and less. Communication has to be one of the most important factors in a healthy relationship. When I hear of friends or acquaintances becoming engaged to be married, I always give them my standard little gift, which is also a very valuable lesson if they take it seriously. I ask one to look into my eyes and tell me exactly what I am thinking and then I do the same for the other. I have never had anyone yet to tell me what I was thinking. So I then say, "Ok, now we have established the fact that neither one of you two can read minds, so you must always communicate you feelings, thoughts, wants, needs and desires, to one another. If you don't know where the itch is, you don't know where to scratch. None of these "he should know", or "she should be able to tell what I was thinking or feeling", kind of things, for it will never make these things be known and will just lead to misunderstanding." I think this is a pretty valuable gift to receive and it is my hope that they take this little piece of advice that I offer to heart, for if they do, nothing but good will come of it. Compromise and a willingness to bend before we break are also very important abilities to have to help in the making of a healthy lasting relationship. At times a certain amount of self sacrifice may be required, but the reward will almost always outweigh the sacrifices in a good relationship. I have heard so many times, about the "give and take" relationships, and I must say, I don't really like this concept. I like to think of it as a "giving of the gifts" and a "gracious acceptance of those gifts". I want nothing to be taken from me, but I love to give and to have my gifts accepted graciously. I find more joy in giving than receiving, but in most cases where one is a giver and one is a taker, the giver sooner or later seems to feel that they are being taken advantage of and the resentment sets in. This is a very harmful emotion with no useful purpose that I can see. I like to always ask myself, when I feel an emotion, what useful purpose is served in the feeling of that emotion, and if I can find none, I try to avoid feeling such unproductive feelings. So why do I think I know anything about what it takes to make or break a marriage? What is in my resume that would qualify me to speak of such things? Fifteen years of marriage, and the watching of all the things that could and did go wrong. Eight years of heaven followed my seven years of watching it all slowly slip away with no idea of what to do to stop it from dying till it was no more. And six years of studying what went wrong and trying to understand why. I feel that I have learned much in this process of study but the learning process goes on, for it is a life long never ending process well worth the effort. I feel that I have learned so much and would have so much greater chance of making it work in the knowing of the things that I have learned. Time it is that will tell, given the opportunity should I be so lucky.Just a few little tidbits, I could surely write a book on what I know, but then I'd have to charge you. Written February 4th, 2002 © on Feb 04 2002 02:58 AM PST   0 • 10