Being What You Want

I tried for a long time To be what I was taught “a girl is supposed to be” in love, in life, in society. I hid for a long time How I felt, from everyone, Even from myself. It hurt me in a way that I didn’t realize. Somewhere along the line, I changed. Someone made me wake up To the things I kept hid deep inside. Now everyone wants me to go back Again, to the way I was before, Because it isn’t the perfect picture Of what a girl, a sister, or a daughter is meant to be. If they understood, How hard it is for me, They’d understand, I’m not happy being me. The way I am makes things More difficult than I wish they had to be. I wish that I could find a way For everyone to see. It isn’t just a phase, It isn’t going to go away. I can’t just imagine that I feel some other way, And have that make it so. I’ve learned over many years of trying, That denial isn’t the way a healthy heart will grow. You can keep asking me to deny it, But I’m gonna have to tell you no. I wish that I could be “normal” Like everyone wants me to be. I wish that I could just “find a man” And let him take care of me. But I know in the long run, I wouldn’t be happy, I’d be resentful, and regret it In the end. I could be what you want, Or I could be happy someday being me, Only I have to live my life, And I want to live it free. Written December 18th, 2001 © on Dec 17 2001 08:07 PM PST   0 • 9