Hating You (The Reasons Why)

Hate, Anger, Loathing, Despise, This is how I think I feel for you. When I think about it, (if I'm honest), It's then I realise that I really don't have any of these feelings toward you. You haven't done anything to me, other than to decide you don't love me, (at least not the way I love you). I realise in the midst of my grief, agony,and despair, that I'm looking desperately for somewhere else to place the blame. (I know I can't blame only you... Maybe for the lack of communication, or for leading me on, but that is all). I know that if we want to blame something, blame the lack of communication, blame the distance between us, (Maybe it was to great and our love was too weak) blame fate, or even destiny. But instead of blaming all these things, I blame myself. I realise it isn't you I hate, or despise. It is myself. Because I can't keep myself from loving you. Because I can't stop loving you, I feel weak. So I have to try to hate you, (in order that I won't love you). I'm angry with you (because you aren't here with me). But mostly I'm angry with me, because I keep asking myself why you aren't, and what I did wrong, what I could have done. All the "What If's" that should have no consequence in my life now. (The one's that shouldn't even cross my mind.) I also realise that it makes me weak to try to hate you, and that makes me even more angry and filled with despise, because I'm confused. I know I should feel one way, but I feel another. Then I'm back at the beginning. Hating you. Hating you because I don't want to blame or hate myself. Hating you because I don't want to love you, when you don't love me. Hating you because I don't want to hate you, but I can't let myself love you. Hating you because I realise that I really hate myself. Written December 14th, 2001 © on Dec 13 2001 10:55 PM PST   0 • 1