I lied, and I'm Sorry

I lied to you I lied to myself Why? Well I'm not completely sure Maybe it's because the truth was too painful Or maybe it's because I didn't what to believe it anyways So I thought that if I lied you would never know the truth Therefore making it less painful to me. Well the situation has changed, dramatically. You think I'm too depressed, And take away the only thing that will make the pain cease I told two people, and that helped a little If I had the choice I would not have told any one. Well really, if I had the choice, the whole thing would not have happened like it did. He held the gun to my head, pulled the trigger, Nothing happened. Then he pointed it away from him, his friend, and me And pulled the trigger once more. A bullet came out of the barrel And dug into the ground So I don't know what saved me that day. But sometimes I wish it hadn't. Sometimes I wish that he had pulled the trigger, And had something come out of the chamber and lodge into my head. Although that would not be fair to anyone else I still wish it had. The flash backs don't happen to often. But one came to me the other night. Except one thing changed... I was the one holding the gun, And instead of the bullet going into the ground It went right into his head. For all the pain, and depression he has caused me, Of witch he does not know, I killed him. I shot him, in the head. And I don't know what it means Whether it means that I want him dead Or I want to die even more. *And if you ask me why I'm so depressed it is normally because of that...the flashbacks are so vivid and real that sometimes I actually believe them...sometimes I really think that it has happened all over again...and then I just get to thinking about how much I want to die again*I'm sorry I let you all down...and I'm sorry I can't be a better person, friend, or writer for you. Written January 17th, 2002 © on Jan 17 2002 10:20 AM PST   0 • 1