One In Six (a one-act play)

The setting is a cold, sterile, waiting-room type environment. There is a desk stage right, covered only with papers and file folders. To the left, there is a plain looking couch and waiting-room style chairs. There is 'musak' playing in the background. A BUS DRIVER, a PREGNANT LADY (PREGO), a BUSINESSMAN, a DRUNK, the MOST HOLY WOMAN, and a SNARKY lady are standing centre stage, one behind each other, with BUS DRIVER in front. They are all screaming, and suddenly stop. They look around.BUS DRIVER: Wait a second, wasn't I just driving us down Alberta Street?PREGO: Yeah, where did my magazine go? MOST HOLY WOMAN: I'm going to be late for work if we're not there soon. (looks around) Where are we?BUS DRIVER: Uh... I'm not sure. But, don't worry folks! I didn't go through all that extensive training for nothing!SNARKY: Oh yeah, was it all that extensive training that caused you to crash into that transport?SNARKY snarls and folds her arms.MOST HOLY WOMAN: Hey, cut him some slack!PREGO: Oh yes, I remember now. We were going along the highway, I heard a bang, I looked from my magazine to see some sort of... metallic plate... coming towards me. And then...BUSINESSMAN: We were here.DRUNK: (as though waking up) I'm sorry, I haven't been paying much attention. (burp) What's going on? (pause) Where are we anyway?BUS DRIVER: That's what I'm trying to figure out.BUSINESSMAN: Well, I have a meeting to go to in fifteen minutes! (looks at watch) Oh great! My watch has stopped. I suppose Greyhound is going to pay for that too?!? (BUS DRIVER shrugs) Ugh, I am never taking the bus again! What was I thinking?!There is a pause as a sharp organ note plays in the background. Silence.PREGO: So... where is everyone from?Before anyone thinks to answer the CLERK some out stage right, holding a clipboard. She is dressed in a white shirt and black pants. She is well groomed but visibly stressed out.CLERK: Ah, I see you've all arrived, and perfectly on time as usual. (speaks to walkie-talkie) 54-3-45. Pick up, six souls. Request paperwork for return departure, stat.BUS DRIVER: Ah ha! Finally, someone to tell us what's going on here. One second. (moves to CLERK). Hi there. How are you?CLERK: I haven't been out in a few centuries, but otherwise I'm good.BUS DRIVER: Oookay. I was wondering if you could...CLERK: What?!BUS DRIVER: If you could tell me where we are.CLERK looks at BUS DRIVER and shakes her head in what seems like disgust.BUS DRIVER: Perhaps you could show me to the nearest phone.CLERK: Sorry, you won't find any of those around here.BUS DRIVER: Why not?CLERK: I'll cut to the chase; you're dead.BUS DRIVER: What was that?CLERK: You're dead. You're no longer on earth. This (looks around) is the afterlife.BUS DRIVER: Oh. Hang on a second. (returns to group)PREGO: Ouch, I think I feel the baby kicking.BUSINESSMAN: Well, did you have any luck?BUS DRIVER: Not exactly.MOST HOLY WOMAN: What do you mean?BUS DRIVER: Well, don't take my word for this, but that lady over there (points) tells me we're... we're in the afterlife.SNARKY: WHAT?!?!SNARKY storms over to the CLERK, who is checking her clipboard and making notes frantically. The rest of the group follows to see what's going on.SNARKY: Who do you think you are, playing games on us like this? Now, listen. Some of us have had very stressful days, and we don't need this bullshit!CLERK: Listen lady, this is the afterlife. You think you're having a bad day? Try having a bad six hundred years, and then we'll talk.DRUNK: (looks around again) So this is the afterlife, hunh? (takes out flask and takes a sip) Somehow I expected it to be a little more...CLERK: Warm? Firey?DRUNK: No, I mean, I expected whiteness, and wings. The gates, and St. Peter standing by them. All of that. Where is it all?CLERK: Sorry, we got rid of heaven and hell a while ago. Too costly to keep going.MOST HOLY WOMAN: (concerned) No heaven?BUSINESSMAN: (pleased) No hell.CLERK: No, none of what you may have learned about as children. God's learned her lesson about wasting souls. Let them live, then pack them into heaven or hell. Frankly, we were having problems with overpopulation a while back, so She decided that everyone would be... how shall I say it? Recycled.MOST HOLY WOMAN: You mean, reincarnation?CLERK: In a manner of speaking, but not as you might have thought. You see... (Her pager beeps; She looks at it.) Sorry, minor delay. I'll be right back, folks. Don't go anywhere! (chuckle). CLERK exits.BUS DRIVER: So, this is it. (looks around) Wow.SNARKY: What are you talking about? This guy gives you some crazy story, and you're actually considering that it might be true? What's wrong with you!?BUSINESSMAN: I have to agree. This sounds a little too easy, doesn't it? (looks at watch again, and shakes it) Why won't this dammed watch work?PREGO: I think it's exciting! A whole new life for my baby, even before she's born! How exciting!DRUNK: I want to be come back as president of a European country or something.MOST HOLY WOMAN: I could be the next Mother Teresa!SNARKY: This is insane! We'll be out of this crazy place before you know it. (sits on couch)CLERK returns.CLERK: Okay, I just spoke to Moses at head office. He says right now we only have room for one, and no more.PREGO: One what?CLERK: Human, of course. The rest of you are going to have to go back as something else. (takes a pen from her hair) What'll it be?Loud discussion erupts, broken up by MOST HOLY WOMAN.MOST HOLY WOMAN: Guys! Guys!! I'm sure we can decide this fairly, and without yelling. I think it would be a wise idea if the person who had the best, most holy life should go back as human. (they all agree) Good. Now, (to CLERK) do you think you could help us decide on this?CLERK: Okay. I shall begin with you. Name one of the Ten Commandments.MOST HOLY WOMAN: (off by heart) Honour thy father and mother.CLERK: (makes notes on clipboard) Good. It has been decided.PREGO: What!?BUS DRIVER: Don't any of us get a chance?CLERK: It has been decided. No discussion please. You. (points at MOST HOLY WOMAN) Come with me.They exit. SNARKY is sitting on the couch and is now doing her nails.BUSINESSMAN: NOW what should we do? How did that happen??!?PREGO: Well, I guess I should think about what sort of animal I want to be. Perhaps a teddy bear... or a little monkey... or a cuuuute lil' pussy cat, or...CLERK returns, alone.CLERK: There we are. One down, five to go. (makes a check on her board)DRUNK: Why did you pick her?CLERK: For what?DRUNK: To come back as a human! Why should she get to when we didn't even get a chance? (takes a sip of alcohol and spits it out) Yuck, this stuff is awful.CLERK moves to DRUNK, takes alcohol and puts it in her desk drawer.CLERK: You'll find that *this* will not work here. You are dead, after all. You have no liver left to damage. As for your question, please give me some credit. I sent that average girl back as a flea. We can't have people with 'good moral fibre' running around, creating trouble as humans. A girl could lose her job for a thing like that.BUSINESSMAN: Lose your job?CLERK: Just trying to put it in terms you'd understand. It's all part of God's new deal with the Devil. Basically, God's gotten fed up with the slow advancement of your species. So, She figures if She puts a few billion more people on earth, things might speed up. The Devil agreed to this, but only if more people on earth were... how shall I put this? Evil.PREGO: Wait a second. You said she. You mean to say that God is a female?CLERK: Details are unimportant. The point is, I need to get each and everyone one of you back on Earth as soon as possible. Now, is anyone willing to volunteer to go back? I have an opening for a pony! (pause, no answer) Well then, we'll have to use the process of elimination. Does anyone here wish to confess a sin? It might make things go a lot faster.Pause.PREGO: Well... I don't exactly know who the father of this baby is. But, that was going to be solved this afternoon... (to BUS DRIVER) (She is angry for perhaps the first time in her life) Oh, why did you have to get us all killed?BUS DRIVER: It wasn't my fault! Besides, what about that guy? (to DRUNK) He's probably a bigger waste of space then I am!DRUNK: Just because I'm fond of the bottle doesn't mean I should go back as a dog or something!BUS DRIVER: (stage whisper) Doesn't it?DRUNK: Hey! You don't even know me, buddy.PREGO: I think it would be best if...BUSINESSMAN: Nobody cares what you think, lady!The group explodes into a fit of yelling, except SNARKY, who is sitting smugly filing her nails.CLERK: Ladies and gentlemen, please! If you remain calm all will be explained in good time! No wonder God wants you people back on Earth as soon as possible. I'm sure not even the Big Girl herself would stand to listen to all this bickering! Now sit down, shut up, and let me get organized!The group goes and sits down. CLERK goes and sits at her desk and shuffles papers around. There is a brief silence as some of the group begins to read magazines, including 'The Afterlife Today', 'Modern Spirit', and 'Martha Stewart Dead'.PREGO: I just had a thought! If I'm pregnant, doesn't that mean I could come back as two things if I wanted to?CLERK: (checks clipboard) Why, as a matter of fact, I completely overlooked that. Come with me.CLERK and PREGO exit.BUSINESSMAN: Now what am I going to do? There's no way I'm going to get back as the human now, because of that stupid woman and her baby. These damn modern institutions, always favouring the women. Pure sexism I tell you. You can't even go to the afterlife nowadays without being told to wait in line behind some woman. I should have died back in the good old days, when this sort of thing would never have happened.SNARKY: I hate to tell you this, but you're a complete idiot.BUSINESSMAN: What do you know!? Nothing, that's what! There's not enough money for groceries, clean the bathroom, do the dishes, cut my toenails, ugh! That bitch never shut up!DRUNK: Who are you talking about?BUSINESSMAN: (suddenly aware of himself) Uh, no one. Don't worry about it.CLERK returns alone.BUS DRIVER: So, where is she now?BUSINESSMAN: She's probably back on Earth by now, isn't she?CLERK: In some form, yes.DRUNK: What form would that be?CLERK: Well, I think I filled out the form correctly. Right about now she should be returning as a bunny. DRUNK: And her baby?CLERK: Her baby will be reborn as her twin. At least, that's how it should work. I think I filled out the form correctly, but I only filled out one. Wasn't I supposed to fill out two? (thinks) Oh well, I'm sure it went through properly.SNARKY: How reassuring. (she stands) Our eternal souls are in the hands of this most capable individual. Personally, I feel more than safe! Our pregnant counterpart has probably just been reborn as a maggot or worm! (she scoffs) Don't you have a boss around here somewhere?CLERK: (points upwards) Guess who.SNARKY: Great. (folds arms) And what if we, as human beings, don't believe in... (points upwards)? What then?CLERK: Sometimes you have to stick around long enough to believe in things. It's a lot like learning a new language. If you're around it long enough, you'll pick it up without even realizing it.SNARKY: Man created God, not the other way around.CLERK: I don't have time to debate this. Why do you think She abolished heaven and hell? Too many people whining and carrying on about their precious Earth. Seeing all those people they knew. When, if they had only thought about it for five seconds, they'd have known that sooner or later those people, who they loved so dearly, would eventually be with them.SNARKY: What a crock of shit.CLERK: Have it your way.SNARKY sits down again. CLERK speaks to DRUNK.CLERK: Moving on, you were telling us earlier about your love for the bottle, right?DRUNK: Oh, yeah. Started when I was in high school I guess, though it's been with the family for years, or so I was told. Not that I helped the situation much by supporting the habit. Ah well... I made it sound worse than it really is... er, was.BUS DRIVER: I just have one question.CLERK: (snappy) What is it?BUS DRIVER: Why is this necessary? Why do we need to be questioned? Don't you have some sort of magic file on all of us that can tell you everything?CLERK: That was hardly one question.BUS DRIVER: Why are you doing this?CLERK: Well, I'm sorry you're under stress. You're not the only one. Things weren't always this rushed, you see. It's this damn population boom. What's worse, some humans are trying to stop our population boom, which only complicates matters for us.BUSINESSMAN: Why doesn't God just wave his...CLERK: Her.BUSINESSMAN: Her magic wand and stop people from stopping this population boom?CLERK: Well, humans have this little thing called free will. Ever since God gave it to you, She hasn't been all mighty. It's a scary thought indeed. God's really trapped herself this time.DRUNK: So why all this rush to get people back?CLERK: It's more of a convenience for us really. The longer you're here, the more questions you ask, the more things I have to explain. You can't fully understand things anyway, not to mention the fact that your memories will be wiped as soon as you leave here.SNARKY: What?CLERK: Nothing. I've wasted enough time going in circles with you people, so on to business. Which one of you wants to volunteer to be next?BUS DRIVER: Well, I'm kind of anxious to get out of here. In my next life, I'd like as little responsibility as possible. That's why I became a bus driver; and even that was too much for me to handle.SNARKY: And, I might add, was what got us killed.CLERK: Everyone has a time and a place to die. Yours just happened to be on a bus.DRUNK: You mean there is such a thing as fate?CLERK: No. That's just something we say around here to make people feel better.DRUNK: Oh.CLERK: Human death is almost completely up to chance. Truth is, you humans usually have more idea what's going on than we do. Sad really. Anyway, who's next?BUS DRIVER: I'll go. I didn't want to hang around this place much longer anyway.CLERK: What shall I put you down for?BUS DRIVER: How about... a goldfish! A domestic one, if possible.CLERK: Okay. (shuffles through papers) Come with me.CLERK and BUS DRIVER exit.SNARKY: Okay, I know this is a joke. (gets up) When are we getting out of here? (yells) Hello? I get it now, very funny Matt! (pause) Daaaaaad? This isn't funny! (voice returns to normal) I can't take this much longer; I need to get out of here!DRUNK: It doesn't look that's going to happen any time soon.SNARKY: What do you know? You can't even walk a straight line!DRUNK: Sure I can!SNARKY: Prove it.The theme song from Monty Phyton's Flying Circus comes on for no apparent reason. DRUNK stands centre stage and tries to walk a straight line, which he can't do. At the end of his walk, he falls over and trips onto CLERK, knocking both himself and CLERK over. CLERK gets up.CLERK: That's it! I don't have time for this bullshit! Come with me. You're out.DRUNK: Aww. CLERK and DRUNK exit.BUSINESSMAN and SNARKY sit on the couch.BUSINESSMAN: So, what do you want to go back as? I mean, if only one of us is going to go back as a human, it might as well be me.SNARKY: Seems to me we're both somewhat the same.BUSINESSMAN: How's that?SNARKY: Well, what's the word? When someone spends their entire life devoted to only one thing - themselves. Shall we say, that there's a whole lot of selfishness on this couch right now?BUSINESSMAN: Yeah. If I'm dead, I guess there's no harm in admitting that I've basically spent my entire life devoted to making money. It seems pretty stupid now.SNARKY: I'm sure you don't mean that.BUSINESSMAN: No, I guess I don't. Hey, let's not talk about me, okay? Uh, what about you? Is there anything you regret from your life?SNARKY: Well, first off, I don't know why you think we're dead. There was no pain, no white light, nothing like that. We were there, now we're here. I'm sure there's a rational explanation. As for my life, I regret only one thing.BUSINESSMAN: Which is?SNARKY: Nothing!BUSINESSMAN: (angry without cause) Just like a woman. Have a guy convinced he's going to get something, then yank it out right from under his nose.SNARKY: Isn't that a bit extreme?BUSINESSMAN: No. Times like these remind me why I was glad I got rid of the wife so long ago.SNARKY: She left you, hunh?BUSINESSMAN: You could say that. (he smiles)SNARKY: (pause) Okay, I'll bite. Where did she go?BUSINESSMAN: Well, until today I would have thought that she had gone to hell. But, I guess she was reincarnated as a goat or something just as useless.SNARKY: Oh, I'm sorry.BUSINESSMAN: Don't be. (looks around) I killed her.SNARKY: You?BUSINESSMAN: Me.SNARKY: Killed your own wife?BUSINESSMAN: Killed my own wife. It was her own fault really. She kept snoring one night, and then, she wakes up all cutesy-poo and says, 'Dear, hasn't it been a while?' So, I'm all excited and then BOOM, before you know it the old bag of bones is sleeping while I'm lying on top of her doing my thing. I couldn't take it any more! So, to make a long story short...SNARKY: Too late.BUSINESSMAN: I killed her.SNARKY: (unchanged) Just like that?BUSINESSMAN: Just like that.SNARKY: Okay, I guess I may as well confess something. I have this one little thing I love to do. You know that overpass on highway 47?BUSINESSMAN: Yes.SNARKY: Well, sometimes I go there and spit on cars!BUSINESSMAN: Oh, that's nothing. Next you'll be telling me you run with scissors.SNARKY: (seriously) When I say I spit, I mean throw things. Like rocks. I love to cause accidents. I love seeing people flung like dummies through their newly washed windshields, being ripped in two. You should really try it some time.BUSINESSMAN: Oh.CLERK returns looking flustered, carrying tons of paper.CLERK: Well, hopefully that guy will make the best damn starfish the world has ever seen. Okay, I've got to get you two out of here so I can go have a quick break before any more new arrivals show up. Who's it going to be?BUSINESSMAN: (looks at SNARKY) I think we're undecided.SNARKY: Maybe it would be best if they just abolished reincarnation. Wouldn't that make you life a lot easier?CLERK: It certainly would. But, it would only be temporary. They always have to find something for me to do. I remember back in the days when we used to create new souls. Now THAT took time!BUSINESSMAN: Yeah, it was like that back in the office. Johnson, type this memo. Johnson, send this fax. Johnson, get me a sandwich. Johnson, Johnson, Johnson. Damn, that idiot Johnson couldn't do anything right!CLERK: Perhaps if you had spent less time bossing him around and more time thinking about is needs, he would have worked harder.BUSINESSMAN: It was as though he had no idea what was going on, the idiot. He was always walking around with tons of papers in his hands (CLERK looks at the papers she carries), not knowing that the hell to do with it all. Jeez, what a moron. CLERK: (drops papers) That's it, come with me.CLERK drags BUSINESSMAN off stage. SNARKY sits alone on the couch.Joan's What if God Had a Name plays softly in the background.SNARKY: Well, I guess I'm the only one left. (smiles for the first time ever) I guess I get to be the human. Hmm... what shall I do in this new life? I can start again, become a star, and maybe make a fortune, or something.I wonder if I can choose how I'm going to come back, or when! I've always wanted to come back during the 60's and be a folk singer in the protest lines. Hmm... Don't you think it would be interesting if there was only one person in the world? One person, who keeps going back to live the lives of every single human being, from the beginning of time until the end. Yeah. I guess I'm that person. I am humanity. That has a nice ring to it. I am humanity. Oh, I think I hear him coming. Shit.CLERK returns alone. SNARKYmoves to get up from the couch.CLERK: Oh, don't get up. There's a little time to kill before the paperwork goes through. We can chat about your new life. What do you want it to be like? Say whatever you want, you won't remember this conversation in your new life anyway.SNARKY: Aww come on. Can't you give me just a little bit of memory in my new life?CLERK: What would you want to remember?SNARKY: Well, nothing much about my old life. Just, a few tips to help me out here and there. For instance, I'd like to remember what puberty is, so I don't get that terrible scare like I did last time. I thought I was dying.CLERK: Thanks for sharing, lady.SNARKY: Say, I was thinking, could you take me back in time or something?CLERK: Sorry, those things aren't up to me.SNARKY: Damn. (There is an uncomfortable silence) So, how did you end up here, doing all this paperwork for dead souls?CLERK: Actually, I was a human not too long ago. It was about 1350 or so that I died. I was one of the ones chosen to come back as human, and then I was given the run around by some stressed out clerk, and I was stuck here. To top it all off, he went and took the life I was supposed to have!SNARKY: (doesn't care) That must have sucked.CLERK: Yeah. (a ding is heard)CLERK: Well, I guess it's time.SNARKY: Okay, I guess I'll just...As SNARKY begins to get up, the CLERK grabs a suitcase from behind the desk and runs offstage. SNARKY now looks confused and angry.SNARKY: Hey! Where are you going, you little twirp!? Get back here!Handel's Hallelujah's Chorus plays loudly.SNARKY: Hello? Anyone? This isn't funny any more! (pause) I'm sorry! I'm sorry for everything I might have done! God, if you're there, just take me out of this place!The music stops. Silence. A SPANISH WOMAN enters wearing pyjamas and looking confused.SPANISH WOMAN: Hola! Where am I? Who are you?SNARKY: (grabs SPANISH WOMAN by collar) Who the hell are you?????SPANISH WOMAN: What do you mean? I do not know where I am. I was lying in my bed, dreaming sweet dreams, and I wake to find a stranger in my room. I said 'Get out!' He said no. Then, he come to me with a knife, and I find myself here. Is this a dream?SNARKY: Don't I wish.SNARKY goes and sits down at CLERK's old desk and looks through all the paperwork. SNARKY: (reluctantly) Now, what did you say your name was?END Written December 2nd, 2001 © on Dec 01 2001 03:23 PM PST   0 • 14