Dear Daddy

I don’t believe you have ever felt the pain when every single girl in your class brags about how they are all “daddy’s little girl”. Well, I know that emotional distress all too well. Please, do not give me the excuse that you are not much a conversationalist, or tell me that you never have time, or you say that I never initiate a dialogue exchange. But, the truth of the matter is, you do have time to spare. Your habitual and hackneyed schedule is work, eat, watch the t.v., and sleep. But, I have recently stopped that unrequited hope since you never seem to stop and actually listen to what I have to say. I feel that your type of “motivation” does quite the opposite. When you ask me “Why couldn’t you have done better?” on my tests, you might seem as if you are heightening my set of standards, but the truth is, they are already heightened, without the assistance of your disheartening words. I know I could do better, but why can’t you encourage me, saying that I did a good job, but study harder. Those simple words will provide me with more motivation in comparison to any of the other terms or unthoughtful beatings you have offered to me prior. Sometimes, I even feel that you have this need to bribe me into your “love”. When I was younger, you used to buy me food and toys, as long as I did well on my tests. And even now, when you are in better dispositions, you spoil me. One day, it seems that you love me, but on other days, you are oblivious to my very existence. You might think that I am just a kid, and I may have no problems......may I correct you, sir, I do. They are mostly family problems, too. That’s why if you complain that I talk on the phone too much, it’s because I am conversing to my friends so that I have no reason to suppress all these feelings within me. To me, depression is innate, and living this life of mine, feeling there is no one to reciprocate unconditional love, augments to that form of sadness. Now, that I am a bit older, and not really having felt loved, I feel that it is impossible for me to love anyone back. The only ones whom I love, are the only ones, who have actually shown that they do care. And even though you do care, I haven’t seen it these past couple of years, and acquired this sense of this disability to love my family members, mostly you. I do not approve of the way you discipline. You give me chances, when what I really need is your understanding - knowing that chances are not enough to attain maturity, but I need your understanding throughout my years, especially these arduous adolescent years, to assist me reach my goal of maturity. All I ask is that you allow me more freedom. I need freedom, I yearn for it. Without the fun in my life, life doesn’t feel worth while, it doesn’t feel worth living. You may not know this, for you are practically incognizant of my actions, but I have attempted suicide twice already. And, you know why? The reason being is that everyone seems to be having a better life than me. And, I ,obviously, envy them. I once questioned myself could there possibly be a God? Because, if God truly loved his children, wouldn’t he see to it that they would never get hurt? Freedom and trust is all I ask of you, trust me to not do anything I am not supposed to do, or can’t handle. I don’t even ask for earthly delights as long as I have freedom, your trust, and your attempt to display love. I don’t think I would be able to exhibit love either, but at least a decent conversation. I do not know what else to say, except that, no matter how much trouble I get in, no matter how angered you are with my decisions, I may never be your “little girl” anymore, but I will always remain your daughter...... Written March 3rd, 2002 © on Mar 03 2002 05:34 AM PST   0 • 1