Ditherum Dump.

Ditherum dump lived i'th' haase behund th' pump,     An he grummel'd throo mornin to neet,     On his rig he'd a varry respectable hump,     An his nooas end wor ruddy an breet.     His een wor askew an his legs knock-a-kneed,     An his clooas he could don at a jump;     An th' queerest old covey 'at ivver yo seed,     Wor mi naybor old Ditherum Dump.     Ditherum Dump he lived behund th' pump,     An he grummel'd throo mornin to neet;     An he sed fowk neglect one they owt to respect,     An blow me, if aw think 'at its reet!     Yo mun know this old Ditherum lived bi hissen,     For he nivver had met wi' a wife;     An th' lasses all sed they'd have nooan sich like men,     For he'd worrit 'em aght o' ther life.     But he grinned as he caanted his guineas o' gold,     An he called hissen "Jolly old trump!"     An he sed, "tho' awm ugly, an twazzy, an old,     Still ther's lots wod bi Mistress Dump."     Ditherum Dump, - Jolly old trump!     Tho' tha'rt net varry hansum to th' seet,     Yet ther's monny a lass wod be fain o' mi brass,     For mi guineas are bonny an breet.     Soa he gethered his gold till he grew varry old,     Wi' noa woman to sweeten his life;     Till one day a smart lass chonced his winder to pass.     An he cried, "That's the wench for my wife!"     Soa he show'd her his bags runnin ovver wi' gold,     An he axt her this question reight plump;     "Tho' awm ugly an waspish, an getten soa old,     Will ta come an be my Mistress Dump?"     "For Mistress Dump shall have gold in a lump,     If tha'll tak me for better or worse;"     Soa shoo says, "Awm yor lass, if yo'll leeav me yor brass,     An aw'll promise to mak a gooid nurse."     Soa Ditherum Dump an this young lass gate wed,     An th' naybors cried, "Shame! Fie, - for - shame!"     But shoo cared net a button for all at they sed,     For shoo fancied shoo'd played a safe game.     Then Ditherum sickened an varry sooin deed,     An he left her as rich as a Jew,     An shoo had a big tombstun put ovver his heead,     An shoo went into black for him too.     Nah, Mistress Dump, soa rooasy an plump,     In a carriage gooas ridin up th' street;     An th' lasses sin then all luk aght for old men,     An they're crazy to wed an old freet.