To Dan Leno

Dear Mr. Leno,         It is now many happy weeks         Since I had the pleasure of addressing you.         On the last occasion, you will remember,         You were fresh from Sandringham,         With a medal and sundry excellent stories         As to the manner in which you had been received         By His Majesty the King         And the Members of the Royal Family.         "To see them laugh," you told us, "was a treat."         Since then you have gone about         With a diamond "E" in your cravat,         And "The King's Jester" written all over you         As I have already stated,         I do not doubt for a moment         That the King really did laugh         At Mr. Leno.         I have laughed at him         (That is to say, at Mr. Leno) myself,         And I know what it is;         But to-day, Mr. Leno,         To-day being the 1st of April,         It is my turn to laugh,         And I do so with a right good will,         For to-day, Mr. Leno,         Your cup appears to be full,         Inasmuch as for this day only         You are actually editing a paper!         Now when a man takes to editing papers         All is over with him:         The next step is         Into the unutterable dark.         I have read your paper, Mr. Leno,         And I find that on the whole         It has been remarkably well edited:         That is to say, you as Editor         And your big co-editor,         Mr. Campbell of that ilk,         Have had the good sense         To edit the paper         In the only way in which an editor         Should edit a paper,         Namely, by leaving it to itself         As much as possible.         If all editors would have the sense         To take this wise course,         Contributors and subordinates, generally,         Would, to say the least of it,         Have a fairly happy life.         It seems in a way a pity, Mr. Leno,         That you should waste yourself         Upon an evening paper,         When there are so many morning papers         Requiring Editors:         The Daily Chronicle, for example,         Would have offered you a fair field         For the exercise of your extraordinary abilities;         Even the Times might, for once in a way,         Have added lustre to itself         By taking on         Your joyous and winning lucubrations;         Then there is Punch,         Which journal, I understand,         Is always (and still) on the look-out         For that humour         Which somehow never comes its way.         But there, Mr. Leno,         You have missed your chance,         And possibly it will not come round again.         As you are young in journalism,         Let me say three things to you:         Imprimis, never be an Editor,         It is better to be in the ballet;         Item, always be on either a morning paper or a weekly.         The all-day papers keep one too busy.         Item, if you are an editor only for a day,         Be sure to subscribe to the Newspaper Press Fund;         Otherwise, what will your widow do?