A suffering poem

I’ve Been Down There I Know Too Well How it Feels i have stood at sorrows gate. i know the gatekeeper well. we played spades together and cried often. he let me in. i felt at home there. i have known what it is to wallow. in misery. in self pity. in despair. i often wrapped it round me like a blanket. i felt safe there. i never wanted to leave. rather i believed i didn’t deserve too. this is where i belonged. tears blurring the image of the knife blade cross my wrist. god. you’ve taken everything else from me. let me have the strength to do this. I Have Felt No Greater Sorrow Than The Belief That God Had Given Up On Me or worse. didn’t exist. that i was a product of nothingness. all too willing to return. a blunt for breakfast. one before bed. numbs the pain. dulls the wits. my salvation came in long slow drags. in apathy. i remember the feeling of losing everything. i remember it was hope that I lost last. and mourned most. there is no pain greater than the absence of god. rather the perceived absence. god was always there. God Held The Knife Blade Cried Those Tears Never Gave Me The Strength it is god’s presence which saved me. rather my perception of god’s presence. god of course never left me. it could not. i am a part of it. it is a part of me. we have walked painful roads together. we have lost hope. we have found it again. we have loved often and watched it go. we have become masters of our life again. we have set down the blanket. the blunts. the knife blades. we have been down that path. we need it no more. we have known suffering. we have replaced it with hope. we have replaced it with love. i know god. we have played spades together and cried often. Written April 1st, 2002 © on Apr 01 2002 03:39 AM PST   0 • 13