Suicidally Depressed (18+)

I can't believe this, I'm crying... I never thought I could do that again. Amanda was so depressed, I wanted to hide... But I couldn't leave my friend ripped and torn inside. Love is cruel game I now see; such a pity for me... She was crying and unloading everything to me... Why? She hardly knows me... we met at a funeral. On one of the worst days of my life... the last time I cried. I listened patienly and gave her a shoulder to cry on... I got up and walked outside with a knife in my hand... I wanted to die for all her pain.... I wanted to help her but I didn't know how. I felt so useless and uncareing it scared me to the point I cut. I cut my left wrist while I was outside.. To me inside... I felt like I died. I didn't feel sad or anything at all... I didn't hear anything as my blood driped off the wall. I sat down and I cried.. cried for everything... I cried for all the hurt I had caused everyone I knew. I cried for everything I'd ever made go wrong.. Past relationships, my parents, my grades.... Just everything I ever fucked up in my life, anything I ever tore apart. I cried for my brother who I once hated but cared so much about. I cried because my parents don't understand and don't even try to. I cried for April who died not long ago... I cried for Patrick, Dustin, and everyone who tried to help me. I cried for things I never knew I could.. I cut to deep I soon realized... it wasn't dripping; it was gushing.. Warm red blood all over me... just gushing from my vein. I tried to stop it I really did... After a while I got it to stop; it was finished.. I guess I missed the vein. It's a very good thing I didn't want to die.. I just wanted to cry. I cut so that maybe I would know I wasn't dreaming this all... So that I could understand the entire mask over it all. Still crying I went back into the house I've hated so much.. Walked in my room said nothing and turned the lights out.This actually happened last night and well Ihavent cryed in almost well about a moth and i never wanted to again... It leaves my weak and that is something I can not stand, To be weak... cause if I ever get to weak I'll slip back and maybe hurt more than the few ppl who care about me truly. Written March 23rd, 2002 © on Mar 23 2002 12:56 AM PST, Jessica Taylor   18 • 0 • 1