Fear and is it Love or Lust? (or 'Am I just another heartless insensitive Jerk?')

She says she loves me, I can't help but beleive her. Forgiving of so many faults, seeming so dependant on me. I hold, kiss and caress the ways I know please her. I do and say things that I know will make her happy. But there is no emotion inside, my thoughts aren't on her. (Even when we lay in loves embrace) It all seems to be a lie. She is no fool, she notices at times. I may sigh or not smile just right, this brings out the questions. I evade and distract, cloud the issue and change the subject. I've known her for less than 2 years, I wear a ring but don't let her into my life. I avoid the truth... Why? Because it would hurt her? Because it would hurt me? My own mind works against me, or I fear my true self. She says she loves me, I can't help but beleive her. For I beleive in all my mind and heart I truely love her. Thoughts of her never leave me, awake my mind always drifts to her. Asleep I sometimes loose her in dreams but never completely. It matters not, what I do, where I am or who I'm with. She is there in my mind, my thoughts and feelings wrapped in her. We've talked and shared all, heart, mind, soul and even bodies. We knew we shouldn't, but we hardly tried to stop ourselves. She means everything to me, though I've known her 4 years it seems an eternity. But she is also married, to someone else, and I dare not hurt her or her children more than I have. I avoid the truth... Why? Because it would hurt them? Because it would hurt me? My own mind works against me, or I fear my true self.Yes, I really do wonder how bad a person I am and how much I've screwwed up other peoples lives. Written March 28th, 2002 © on Mar 27 2002 10:19 PM PST   18 • 0 • 1