Epic of the Hack-Eating Tree

Once upon a time, there lived an evil, wicked tree. This tree wasn't born evil, nasty and cruel tho' 'Twas once a nice tree, but shy and antisocial... But when they moved and replanted it, in the middle of a school, naturally the tree shunned its former and nice tree-like ways and became just plain mean! One day, a group of friends were playing hacky sack nearto, the tree of great evil-ness-ed-ness. and this tree (of great evil-ness-ed-ness) decided to live up to its reputation as an evil, nasty, vile tree, and it consumed the hack in one swift... bite?...branch??...chomp?!? well it consumed the hack all right, thats for sure. thus leaving the poor, heart-broken, teens, poor and heart-broken and without a game to play to occupy their idle limbs. But little did this tree know what it had invoked: a great force holding parental units all over the world in fear, for thousands upon thousands of years: Bored Highschool Students! (and don't you let me hear you saying something about highschool not having been introduced untill the 1900s, because way back when there was only one history book, someone fudged up. they forgot to copy down a few zeros when they copied down when highschool were invented... ...but, anyway) (wait, that last explination... it doens't make senes at all! why would you believe that? you fruit!) The students, whom now had nothing better to do, except consider how to get this Hacky Sack Back, immediatly thought of their trusty school hand-book. Quickly, the fat one whipped out his handy-dandy hand-book, and checked the school rules. nope! nothing about assauly on verdant life! Thus it was that the mighty handbook became a weapon that it might loosen the (evil, nasty) tree's grip on the captive hack sack! and many times this handbook did fly, and many times the leaves did fall and the tree did shake, but still, it held fast to the hack: evil trees do that sort of thing, y'know. Finally, after many many, more and more, successful throws of the handbook, the unholy tree grew a-scarred of the weapon, and ate the handbook as well. By now, many had taken notice of the unfortunate students trials and tribulation.... Knowing that paper was too weak, the valiant highschool students tried again to loose the grip on both the handbook and the hack.   But this time, they used a flippin' rock!   This apparently angered the foul tree right to it's evil, nasty, wicked spirit, as after merely the second throw it consumed the rock as well. And it wasn't no small rock either!   The students were disappointed but not disheartened! They resorted to a new method of attack,   They shook the tree really really hard, and rocked its foundations, causing it to shed many dead leaves! but the tree refuses to loosen its grip on the precious hack, handbook and rock... Then, suddenly, after all those with brain cells had realized that was their plan was not going to work, the stupid one grabbed another part of the tree, and tried the same thing, but alone.   He broke the tree!   What a Dumb-Ass! Realizing that they now had a crowd of supporting onlookers, the noble students re-doubled their efforts to find the path of victory over the vile tree.   A new method of assault was chosen, and a brave warrior/chick was chosen, to climb the hated tree, and rip the hack, handbook and rock from its putrid clutches.   Yet the tree was undaunted by the chosen champion, but neither was the warrior/chick daunted by a mere incredibly evil tree. With courage in her heart she climbed up into the tree, and up.   The tree was infuriated by the sheer level of gonads required to dare such a direct assault versus it’s evil/nastiness.   In it’s rage it tried to consume the warrior/chick herself!   But she was chosen wisely and she quickly pushed away from its trunk... but the tree held to her foot, and her balance lost-es-es, she was flipped upside down and hung by her foot for a moment until the tree realized its attempt to eat her had been bested and let her go.   Although she had not resuced the hack or the rock, or the previously un-mentioned pony, she did manage to loose the handbook. And so again the students resumed plan ‘B’   And many more times the handbook flew And fore many great minutes the students and the tree squared off But the cunning students (being cunning) agreeded to rendevous the next day, armed to the teeth with sticks and squeegies and taco-salsa and scott’s antenae and morbidly fat babies and dirty socks and stuff and things....i dunno if this should really be considered a poem... its more of a story and i wanted it read similar to how Beowulf or other translated epics read. shrug. one way or another, if ya read it right, this is a damned funny story. Written February 19th, 2002 © on Feb 18 2002 04:19 PM PST   0 • 7