Helpless

"Why me?! What have I done to be so cursed?" Trapped, a helpless passenger as the car enters that ice dancer’s death spiral, waiting for the whip to snap sending the vehicle tumbling, cartwheeling into others, anticipation of crunching metal, shattered glass and the impact of the rest of the traffic behind. "Haven’t I suffered enough?! Do I owe more penance?" It started so innocently, driving home, on a rain slicked roadway, bumper to bumper, all traveling too fast. My son at the wheel, eleven months of experience, chatting as he drove, on his new project, realizing too late the danger lurking in the sea of red that suddenly blazed, his foot too firmly on the brake as panic sets in. "Is this how it ends?! But I have so much more to give!" I want to see my son grow, play with his children, spoil them as a grandparent should. I want to meet my soulmate, my lover, the woman I cannot be without, to share the rest of my life! Yeah...the rest of my life...it won’t be long now, the tail lights dancing fire across the windshield. "I’ll be with you soon Grandma! Are you looking down?!" Never been one for religion. A vague feeling exists that there must be an afterlife, that the spirit lives on somewhere. Otherwise, what is the point to all this! Tease us with a short life. Give us some joy, some misery....for nothing? Ending like this! Funny, but there is no fright, anger...maybe, frustration...yes, but most of all....a sense of helpless abandonment to the fates. "His foot is off the brake! We are out of the skid!" These seconds seem an eternity. His driver training skills have returned....steady...pump the brakes...yeah that’s it! The vehicles still creep slowly together but more controlled. Death walks away...maybe hospital...but Death is gone. Another surgery! It will make four now in 2 years... Steady son...I pray to myself...you can do this!... "It is over....you did it son! I knew you could do it!" Relief washes over as the cars begin to separate. Nervousness, shaking, lying ashen in the depths of the seat. A glance at my son shows a confident, smiling face. Do you know how close this was, son? Did you learn a lesson? Aaahhh....the invulnerability of youth in this video game called life. Thanks for looking down Grandma...Thanks for watching over us! (c) Jim     July/99The years 1998-99 were not the best time of my life. I had many health problems requiring surgery (3 in 18 months)...and it looked like I was back again... Written July 1st, 1999 © on Dec 05 2001 02:59 PM PST   0 • 10