Just a little something

This is long, and it's not poetry, but...     I hear people talk about the short fallings of the parenting they received, frequently.  The things their parents did to screw them up, the things they didn’t have…, you know the routine.  I’ve been touched by that myself from time to time, just as I’m sure my parents have.  Some are not so lucky.  As years go by, I contemplate these things, and look to myself for the shadows of what I was taught, searching for how they pertain to who I am.   Now that I am a parent, these thoughts come more frequently, and hold more weight.  As I review my values, and my life,it occurs to me, everything I value in my life today, my parents taught me.  Maybe they didn’t even realize it, but they did.  I can’t remember a time they were ever apart.  Surely they have been separated by distance from time to time, but they have never been truly apart.  I took my mother Christmas shopping this year, and when we returned, my father had gone to bed early.  Seems he paced the floor while she was gone, until finally he couldn’t stand it any longer, and went to bed.    As I looked more closely, I realized the most important part of the love they share, it is unconditional.  Just as the love they have given me, it has no limitations.  I only wish I had learned the lesson sooner.    When Camille died, I finally realized how selfish I had been.  She gave me love and understanding I never deserved.  Watching my parents’ love grow from year to year, I realize I didn’t have to deserve it.  I only needed to accept it, and reciprocate.  That would have made us happy. That would have been enough for her, but it was too much for me.  Towards the end I could tell her how much I loved her, as a friend, and the mother of our children, but pieces of the wall remained even then.  I can’t ever replace her loss.  The last time I saw her, I cried in my soul.  I knew I would never see her again, and there was no going back.  So we said goodbye.  And she gracefully turned and left me.  She forgave me unconditionally that day, just as she had always done, and she loved me just the same too.  I didn’t deserve that either, now I just have to convince myself to accept it.    I will never again let the people I love pass by because I don’t understand.  I will love them now, and understand later.   Thirty eight years, and he paced the floor in her absence, imagine.  That is life, isn’t it?  What other lessons do we learn and not understand until it’s too late? Written November 11th, 2001 © on Nov 10 2001 09:01 PM PST, Rick Merwin   0 • 1