Oh, The Pain

Why do I fully give myself to you? Do you not know my love? Do you question my character? Oh, the pain which you bring Why can’t I just tell you? You’re a great friend Yet, I have drawn the line there I wish to have the more Yet, that could destroy what we have now The newly found fear The fear of the truth The fear that if we were together now It would be ‘perfect’ The fear that it will be More so than not How would I deal with it? Would I welcome it? Would I reject it? Would I act as always? Oh, the pain which you bring I can only think of what could be Yet, I deny what could have made it be Oh, pain, you know where you stand Or do you? Do you ask yourself these same questions? Since our relation turned from That of intimate closeness to friendship We’ve lost those conversations, Yet, we gained more Feelings on the inside, for one another You know the love I hold for you Yet, not even in words can I explain it If I came back to you Would you welcome me back? Or would you turn me away? Destroying everything we have Everything, I, have left You do not know the respect I hold to you Even that, I can not explain Truly, you are great Oh, the pain which you bring I could die for you, and I would But to what gain? What do we gain in life? Seems to be only pain Yet, that is not life’s blame But ours Relationships are a deadly poison Their taste is sweet as honey Yet, their effects are wretchedly painful It’s that, that I fear If the effects too, were to remain sweet What then? What now? Why can’t I be pleased with what I have now? Now, with you? Why must I be greedy, and want more? You and I are close friends Why should I ask for more? Am I, even I, that greedy? Greedy enough to destroy that which we have now? Oh, the pain which you bring The nights of agony I’ve spent In thoughts of you Yet, you know no truth in this For I roll it off as jests Denying my true feelings For the one I love To preserve your freedom of feelings Oh, how did I fall to this? I find myself staring at nothing, Thinking only of you The things I’ve denied The things that could have But never will have The thoughts of all I’ve given Truly, I didn’t expect much in return And in that, you have shown the love back Is that what I ache over? The both giving and receiving of love? Is this why I long to be with you inside? Or is it my greed? No, not my greed For if it were, I would have destroyed What we had long ago Why must I follow logic? Why don’t feelings follow logic? If they did, I would not be in such pain Yet, is this the pain I long for? Is, this the pain which we live for? Truly, is life pain? Pain caused by those in it Oh, the pain which you bring I can hardly bear it Yet, through a wall of my emotionless state I may pretend to hide In turn, confusing you Keeping you at bay as well Not leading on to anything That could be there Why, do I not lead? Truly, it is the fear Have I, myself, fallen to fear? The fear of losing One of my closest friends? Oh, my mind wretches on Seeking through plots and plans Observing conversations Before they’ve been had So that I might not lead you on Yet, who truly am I trying to protect? Am I truly that selfish? No, that is not selfishness For I am doing this, so I may not hurt What we have now Do you treasure as I, what we have now? Or do you look at it as nothing more Than a normal friendship? Oh, the pain! The unknown! The questions! The love! The wants and needs! All which you bring! The sweet poison I’ve fallen painfully ill with Yet, do I reject the poison? Do I turn it away? For if I did, nothing of us would remain If I resisted the sweet poison Would I still listen? Would I still care? Would I still do things for you? You, yourself, are the poison My addicting poison, I drink whole Where, I, in moments of wanting More of the poison Just a simple taste A simple word A simple ‘hello’ Oh, this poison is not physical, but worse The poison strikes the heart and mind Sending me into those Dark lonely nights I’ve tasted the poison of others, their relationship Tasted their lives, their wants Yet, yours is far the deadliest For theirs can be resisted Oh, the pain which you bring Sends me into mindless states Sets me far from reality Sending me into the dark oblivion For, the terror within knows That nothing of us will ever be That, is what I fear As I also fear what could be You and I in a life together Perhaps, at one time that was a hope Yet, no longer Now, it’s the fearful knowledge That it will never be Oh, the pain which you bring Do you know the pain? In seeing you with another? Truly, I am happy for you But I deny my own happiness for your sake Oh, may you never tell me fully Of those others For, emotionless walls are only so thick And constant bombardment upon the ramparts Brings them to dust Upon that day, all will be defeated And upon that day, I will have been defeated Defeated for your own sake And far to late to change What we could have been My mind is a slave to you Yet I’m not sure you’re aware Even in all this, not once Oh, the tremendous pain you bring upon me All unknown to you In which I have no reason to be angry Oh, the pain which you bring Yet, along with the pain, You bring all your sweet honeys Your tender heart, soft skin, and deep thoughts Which you hide Oh, I’m not sure how to express this love That I, hold for you May I retire now to my castle Within my mind Far behind the outer walls So I, may protect myself from the poison The poison which you are And I love You are my pain Oh, the painYes, this is very long. But if you finished it, you know a lot about the way I think/feel/act. I figured I would put this up here since I like it, and well, it's part of me. It's a love/angst/sad poem, hehe. Written November 10th, 2000 © on Sep 18 2001 08:35 PM PST   0 • 1