Depressive's Lament (parts 1-5)

Depresive's Lament. (Parts 1-5) Where is it? I know, I have one. It's here... Somewhere On my Desk? On my nightstand? That drawer, might have it. It's over There That side Of The room. To far, I'm lazy. No will, To get up. To get it. The will, Has failed Me. A first? No. It's been Long time. So very long. What will, They say? She say? Will she even know? I won't tell. Will she see? Proly. She sees Much. She knows, Me. How I am. She worries, About who I am. Am I me? Or simply, Fantasy. Nihilistic, Nothing new. But not on, Reality. I am real. See!? I am. I can prove it. I tell you, I can. This world, Is real. Not this one. This world Of, Data and Color. It's false. A game... A outlet. A Word. Aye The dissision, Is made. I am real, My life, Is mine. It's real. You are real. Maybe not, Here, Data and color.... But Real Life, There is real life. It hurts. I can prove it. Have you not, Felt the pain? Seen the Pain? Made the Pain? Soothed the pain? Which is for me? I have felt the pain? I have seen the pain? I have made the Pain? I have Soothed the Pain? I feel the pain. I see the pain. I made the pain. I soothed the pain. It is real... Do you believe, Me? Do you? I think, You do? For it is real. I am Real. I think. I am. It is. I can prove it. Should I prove it? Can I prove it? May I prove? Must I prove it? I shall prove it. Where's my knife........... ------------------------ Friend: ... are you talking about your pants again? ------------------------ Do not speak of my pants. I wear them, Upon my legs. It is the Knife. I seek. It is there. I am Here. Not a long, Distance. But will, Remains. A thread, Bare, Short, Weak. It remains. Why? I cannot tell. You don't, Understand. Or perhaps, You do. To well? Not well enough? It's ok. The hand, Is stayed. The Blade, Is stayed. Time passes, I change. Slowly. Swiftly. Curse. Yell. Complain. It's all, The same. The blade is Stayed. For a time. A short, Time. The time, Is now, I feel it. Cold. Shining... Still dry... I have will. For now. ----------------------------- Why, Is the hand stayed? The blade Stayed? Will? Logic? Reason? Purpose? Obligation? Hypocracy? Or? Is it nothing? I see, No logic, No reason, No Purpose, No Obligation. I see the Hipocracy... Do I care? No, I don't care. Why should I? You don't. They don't. We don't. I don't. Why stay it. The hand, The urge, The blade....? I see it... Tempting me, Taunting me, Calling me. It becons... Can't you, Hear it? I have lost. All is lost. Will is lost... I see the blade... It's sharp. It glistens, In what light, I cannot tell. All is dark. Before me, Behind me, Around me, All is dark. I see the blade. Do you? Do you see the blade? Have you? I have seen, The blade. I have heard, It's call. Not, In my ear. In, My mind. My mind hears, My eyes see, My flesh feels, My nose smells. Smells what? The scent. Dry Metal. Ting of rust. I see the blade. The sharpness, The glint of the edge. Shineing.... Like a lighthouse. It signals. Not Warnings... It doesn't, Wish you, To leave. Come! It cries, Come to me! Feel my edge. Taste the past. Remember? You know me. Why do you, Fight me? Do not fight me. I bring you, Peace. Rest. Imbrace me. I bring you, What you want. I remember you, You are the blade. I am the flesh. We were once, One. You opened me. You let me open. You took, Something. And you left, Something. You took, Blood. You left, Pain. The pain... Oh the Pain... I control you.... Who brings, Me pain? I do!!! Does She? NO Does he? NO Do they? NO Does the world? NO Parents? NO School? NO Government? NO Culture? NO..... Who brings this, Pain? When all others, Are out of hand. Out of control, My control..., Who brings this pain? This one? Who? Tell me blade... WHO!!!?!?!? Why, You do. You control it. You are in control. I am? I'm never, In control. You lie! I do not. I give you pain. Why? Why is it there? Did I move? Did I? Who moved me? Did they? No, They didn't! No my son.... Who? You must, You aren't? Why? WHO is it? Who is in, Control? You move? Who moves you? Who is in, Control? You are.. See your hand? See me in it? You moved me! You control me. You are in, Control. For once.... Control... I'm in control... I move you... You have not, Moved me. Not yet. I stand ready... I am yours. You are in, Control... Did you hear it? The mind heard.... My mind heard. Did yours? There is a logic... A reason... A purpose... Not to stay. But to move. The blade. I see it... It's...waiting. I wait. I tarry.. I dally... Why? No reason. I see the blade, The edge, The glint, The power. My power... I smell it, Sweet. But, Metalic... Of course. It's how it smells... That sweet twang, The smell of the blade... Damp.... ------------------------------ It hurts... Pain... I want, More.. I must have, MORE! You lied... You said, You brought, Me peace. I feel no peace... Where, Is it!?!?! My peace... I lied not. I brought it... Didn't you feel it? When I moved? You felt, In control. At peace... How quickly, You forget, How Fragile, The mind is. To forget, So fast. How weak, The flesh is. But it's, OK.. That is, Why I'm here. The flesh, Is weak. The Steal Is strong. For you. Strong for you. I'm, Confused.... You brought, Pain, Control.... I heard you call. I answered. But, I'm empty... I have, No peace.... I was strong! YOU! You are why. Why, I'm weak! You accuse, Me!?!?! For your, Weakness? I withstand. You rot. I indure. You diminish. I am forged! You are..., Untempered. You need me, My help. I can forge you.... No, You Cannot! I was weak! BUT, Now I see. I see you! I see you, For what you are. Foul Temptress! But... You're right. I was weak. I gave in, To you... You got, Your bite. I gave in. Why... So long... Oh, so lone, I went. I was rid, Of YOU! You will, Never be rid, Of ME! You're right. But I will, FIGHT! I will! I have will! You had your, Time. I overcame! I conquored you! I have.... Peace...again... You are seeing, I can tell. I brought you peace. You see. I lied not. Yes, But... This Peace... This resolve, Is from, Your defeat! I am not defeated.. You will always, Have need of me. When you weaken, When you stray. I'll bite. You'll feel, My bite. And, You will grow, Strong again. Till the next, Time. I am here. You will never, Be rid of me.. I understand, Now. I understand, To well. But... I'm not rid, Of you. I am not, In control. You are.... I have lost. All is lost. Then, You know, What, To do... I do? I do not. What? What, Must I do? You, Do know. You think of it, You plan for it. For the day. The night. The darkness. It's time. Time? For what? What time, Is upon me? The cloud, In your mind. It's lifted. All is clear. You have, One thing, You can control. Even I, Can't denie it. I know, What, You speak of. It, is not, Time... Yet... You know, When the time, Will come. All will be clearer. You will need me, Again... But not for the Arm... I will taste you. Your insides... Your vien... your wrist. I will fight. Of course, You will. They all do. We all do. But, You will see. You will hear. You will taste. You will smell. The outflow.. The outflow, Of your life. ------------------------- I'm alone. So alone. I see none. I hear none. I'm alone. It left me. I don't, See it. I don't, Feel it. I don't, Hear it. I don't, Smell it. It has, Left me. All, Have left me. Betrayed. Always betrayed. Was it right? Will I need it? Will... I have will. It is growing. It is faultering. It is...., It is! It is there, Weak.., But there, All that matters, Now, Is that, It is there! The will. But, I failed. I was weak. It was right. I see why. The appeal. Searing, Pain. The scars, The past... They are, There... I was weak! Isa! Steph! Forgive me... You, Must not, Can not, Maybe not, Should not, Know. You are weak. It hurts me. I try to help. I'm strong. For you. But... I've lost, It appears.. Now I must, Decide. Truth? Or, Lie? Must I say? Must both know? Must... Most... Most are strong. I was strong. I must tell. I must say. One, Must know. But... I can't.. My weakness, Must not, Feed yours. I can't, Think of anyother, Way it would turn out. I was weak, You must not be weak! It lies. The blade lies! No peace. No rest. Don't embrace.. Push it away. It is forged. But you wield it. Flesh, Is stronger, Then, Steel!!!! Who wields, The steel? Steel, is ours! We control it! Denie it, It's bite. I must be strong again. I am strong again. I am not weak again. I will not be weak again. But, I weep. Bitter. A bitter defeat. But I endure. I do not rot! I do not diminish! But, I am weak. Days will come, Days will pass, But I was weak. And that memory, Will last.Ignore spelling.. I'm just bad at it.. and the grammer is messed with...hehe Written January 11th, 2002 © on Jan 10 2002 06:01 PM PST   0 • 1