Have I Told You

Have I told you lately How much I hate you? Even your memory Blinds me with rage. I hate how you manipulated me And twisted my ego Till there was nothing left To defend myself with. I resent all the years I spent Trying to live up to your Impossible expectations, Your sick convoluted standards, That no honest person Could ever possibly understand--- Much less achieve. You professed to be so proud of me, But not if I spoke of my pain. Then you’d turn on me. I think of the time I accidentally let slip to a social worker That I felt abandoned by you And by dad; you were both Too involved in maintaining the family myth To notice how deep my despair was. And I will never forget the Malevolent wrath that you kept Only barely contained As you called me an ungrateful brat And told me that I didn’t need you As much as my sister did After all I was so bright I was normal She was special She needed you both more I felt as if a laser had blasted Clean through my chest Removing my heart There were not tears enough To fill that hole, ever Did you know That I came to conscious memory Already depressed before I was even A toddler?  Did you see me? Did you know me, for me? No…I was only an extension of you Another achievement to take credit for Another mind to crush More dreams to smash More soul to steal To feed your all-consuming need To wall off your own pain and sickness. And the worst part is still That I loved you anyway For a very long time And I let you do this to me. Have I told you lately, Mother dear, How much I hate you? Bonnie Cook 17-Apr-02 Written April 17th, 2002 © on Apr 16 2002 06:48 PM PST    0 • 18 • 13