Thoughts on the Truth

I felt badly today I told you an untruth (I cannot even bring myself to say a lie) It was not the first what I am  holding back is not huge ‘twas a small thing, really I just did not want to deal with your anxiety over it and so I didn’t tell you who it was on the phone telling you it was one instead of another it was just a close friend though someone you don’t know you would not have understood you are already feeling that I’ve changed lately and I cannot yet explain how permanent and deep the change really is I’m not going to be able to keep it from you forever …nor do I want to… but I have not thought out yet what to tell you…what it means…what it will mean… I don’t know all of those answers yet it isn’t about taking something from you, dear it’s much more about giving something of myself I have not been able to share deeply enough with you we don’t share this quest, you and I though not from any fault in either of us it is just a bond that never formed between us I was shut down spiritually when we met one another now I am open…and expanding I’ve tried to share the depth of that experience with you but words are so inadequate I can’t give you a picture I’m not trying to hide it but I’m changing… I am unsure just how much you will accept but I must change to grow…and grow I must where this path is leading is not yet clear what it will mean for you and me is still not foreseen I am seeking the light regardless I hope I can share the light with others too though what form that sharing might take…who yet knows my intentions are never to hurt you with purpose that isn’t in me, and you know that we have loved each other long enough to be comfortable together I am not in love with you, but I love you I am content with you in many ways you are my dearest friend, my lover, my partner we have a history…we’ve been through the tough times now our life is easier, we have fewer worries, for once we can relax a bit; I have no wish to change this but… there is more I need, that you cannot give me I cannot pretend I don’t need these things any more than you can suddenly grow a new leg nor can you suddenly be other than you are yearnings I thought long dead have awakened and I am growing restlessly sorrowful maybe it’s aging, I don’t know I dream of love passionate enough to consume me and of being loved that way, still I don’t know if it’s too late for that to happen I don’t think so, for I still feel it…others feel it too I have wished to share myself with someone else though I have not yet physically I don’t want to cut myself off from you or disappoint you as I know this would I am struggling with this dilemma knowing well that I must decide what I will do if chance presents itself in truth I have already decided I know I will not turn away from love cannot turn away my need is too great yet I need you too I guess I have said all there is right now to say you haven’t asked me yet thought I know you sense the changes the time will come… what will I say? Bonnie Cook 10-Apr-02...bear with the lack of punctuation...this felt most right reading just as the thoughts came... Written April 10th, 2002 © on Apr 10 2002 10:03 AM PST    18 • 0 • 1