The Princess Of Mushroomville

Once upon a time, in a land called Mushroomville there was a princess.  Princess Mary Tripp was her name and she was the biggest shroomhead in all of the land.  She’d wake up in the morning and pop a few grams, wait for her trip to start and then pick out on of the thousands of tie-dyed dresses that she has and would be on her way.  Everyday she would start the morning by first tripping out on her magnificent flower garden, which never seemed to be the same color for some reason.  Once she could pull herself out of her daily trance she called for her trusty friend Tuber.  Tuber was a pig, but not just any pig.  He was a potbelly pig who had a special knack for finding psychedelic mushrooms.  Princess Tripp loved her pig, not only because of all of the mushrooms that he found, but because Tuber gave her someone to talk to and have fun with.  Plus the princess loved all of the funny things that he turned into everyday. One day, upon gathering shroomies, the Princess and Tuber ran into a witch in the forest.  Her name was Crystal Meth, and she was the greatest potion maker in all of the land.  However, since the princess was usually tripping out of her mind all of the time she didn’t remember this.  So the two exchanged good graces, even though the Princess thought that she was a fluffy green rabbit for the first few minutes of the conversation.  The Witch asked the princess if she would like to smoke the most magical mushrooms of all.  As the Princess looked in the pipe she saw a huge mushroom that looked like it was made of pure crystal.  Her love for mushrooms overtook her.  She smoked the entire magic mushroom and fell into a deep deep coma.  The Witch laughed her evil laugh and was on her way.  Tuber was really upset about this, so, he decided to seek help.  Who better to turn to than the three Potkateers?  Tuber ran as fast as he could deep into the woods to Marijuana meadow where the Ganja house was.  He knocked on the door and Sativa answered the door.  Sativa was a gentle guy, dressed in white cotton pants, sandals, and an amazing multicolored tie-dye shirt.  He invited Tuber in for a drink.  As he entered Skunk Numeral Uno was standing hitting the bong and coughing repulsively.  Skunk, as they called him, was the meanest of them all.  Dressed in leather and chains, he has a huge gray and black beard and a shiny baldhead.  The look in his eyes would bring fear to the biggest and ugliest creature in all of Mushroomville.  The third leg of the Potkateers, Bud Good.  He was the smartest of all and their leader.  The most pure specimen of a human being that has ever lived.  He was built like and ox and yet as graceful as a fox.  Unlike Skunk he was very kind helping all sorts of people.  That’s how he got his nickname, K.B. Tuber the potbelly pig sat and told the Potkateers about what had happened to the princess while he sipped on his Martini.  The Potkateers were in an outrage.  K.B. began to develop a plan to save the princess and bring down the wicked Witch of Meth all at the same time.  He told the Potkateers and Tuber of his plan and the men were excited and convinced that it would absolutely work.  Then Sativa suggested that a party was in order to ease the mind before the big day ahead.  Tuber was sent to find a pound of magic mushrooms, Sativa began rolling joint after joint after joint, Skunk prepared the bong and the hookah, while K.B. was putting the final touches on the plan for tomorrows rescue. Once Tuber returned the party began.  Everyone sat around an assortment of dips eating mushrooms and smoking weed as they pleased.  About a half an hour later, as everyone was as high as a kite, things started to get weird.  The walls began to breath, the ceiling began to drip, bugs filled the room, and swirls of color filled the air.  Everyone was tripping.  A clock looked at Sativa and in an old mans voice said, “Time for another Joint wouldn’t ya say?”  As they smoke it K.B. struck up a conversation with his shoe, and the pig was oinking as he chased his tail.  The pound of shrooms was consumed and the night turned into a colorful blur.  At times they laughed and other times they coughed. Sometimes they freaked out and other times they sat in amazement and confusion.  Life was good on this night, assuring tomorrows adventure would be a success.  Soon the highs fell and the mushrooms digested filling the air with their putrid gas.  The Potkateers and Tuber slowly drifted into the night dreaming of the colors in their heads. Morning came quickly with the sun casting its rays over our heroes swollen eyes.  The air was filled with sounds of groans and moans, hacks and coughs, grunts and gargles.  The men were preparing for their mission.  They ate their cereal, Lucky Charms being that of choice, and sat around the table for a Joint Committee meeting.  After the first two bombers they were ready.  The plan was in order and their mission was a go. Tubor’s job was to guard the princess, gnawing off the kneecaps of anyone who tried to harm her.  The Potkateers were off to trick the witch into making the antidote to bring the princess out of her coma.  Sativa entered her lab as a guest just wanting her to smoke some promos with him.  Upon entering the lab he notices a whole jar of the so-called most magical mushrooms ever. Immediately, he crushes one of the mushrooms and rolls it into a joint.  Meanwhile, K.B. and Skunk grapple the walls of the lab and climb to the roof.  Of course it takes a while considering smoke breaks.  Hey you would too if you had to climb a hundred foot wall.  Once on the roof they sneak into the witches lab and wait for Sativa to work his magic.  Minutes go by and finally Sativa appears (it was later discovered that he had to smoke a few joints before he went).  He hands the evil joint to the witch and he smokes the good one.  The witch smokes the whole think unknowingly.  Suddenly she realizes what Sativa has done to her and rages out of control.  She calls for the guards, whom ender with swords drawn.  K.B. pulls out his hemp whip and takes care of the first guard.  Sativa, whom immediately upon the guards entering made his way to the balcony, takes out his bow and arrows and proceeds to drop two more guards like flies.  Skunk with his club easily takes care of the other five guards by simply crushing their skulls.  Meanwhile the witch is busy making the antidote to save her own life.  The potkateers wait for her to finish, and then they tie her up and pack a half of an ounce into their gas mask.  They place it on her and then light it.  The Witch of Meth was the first to die from smoking marijuana, as all she could breath was smoke.  The Potkateers quickly ran to the forest where the Princess lies upon her bed of flowers.  They stick the giant needle into her heart and inject to antidote.  She wakes after a few days and realized that Crystal Meth is a horrible drug and that everyone should just stick to natural things like pot and mushrooms.  The Potkateers and Tuber laughed and agreed.  They all lived happily ever after.Very bored and intoxicated. Written April 10th, 2002 © on Apr 10 2002 12:21 PM PST    0 • 14