Biology and Spirituality

What emotions are real? What feelings are mine? What comes from my soul? What is the byproduct of of an imbalanced mind? I grew up believing in science and a soul. I know I get depressed sometimes, I know others I feel I can take on the world. I know I worry way too much. I know I count my friends more important than myself. What is love what is lust? Is one purely chemical and the other spiritual? Do I truly feel what I think I feel? Is it all determined by biochemical process? Is there anything within me that truly decides? I know I procrastinate, I've started dozens of projects left unfinished. I've been told my greatest fear is change. Yet I want to make changes in my life, and I've accomplished many of them. How do I truly make decisions? Are they based on chemical interactions? Are they influenced by the stars and planets? If so is that spiritual celestial interactions, or gravity influenced biological functions? I've always believed... people are responsible for their actions. people are responsible for their decisions. people are responsible for their thoughts. there is spiritual life after physical death. Did I mess with my own mind when I was young? By trying to block out emotions and pain before I was 10. Or was my mind already messed up by genetics? Or slowly messed up by environmental pollution? Or is their nothing wrong with me? I have never done drugs, smoked or drank alcohol. I don't like the idea of loosing self control. Duty, honor, trust are very important to me. Yet I've shattered the trusts and broken oaths, to some of the people who mattered to me the most. Am I just an evil person or destined for desertion? Is it due to cosmic spheres, or just to my unfounded fears? Is it chemical or my soul inside by which I decide? Why do I aks all these questions of myself? Can I not find the answers within or do I just not trust myself? I was married to someone who loved me, I thought I loved them and should have been happy. Instead I was filled with anxiety and self dislike. I spent six months in Army training, Althought I didn't like it I was happy with myself. Is it a matter of eating right, effecting chemicals in our heads? Is it a matter of exercise, to do the same thing? Is that any different than taking drugs for the same result? Is there a real us inside, a soul to decide? Is it just chemical reactions responding to stimuli? I try to interact with others as I think best. I try to be helpfull, friendly, kind and a gentleman. I made decision I regreted too late some of which filled me with self hate. I thought I loved someone and now there seems to be nothing inside. I feel I love another because they never leave my thoughts. What emotions are real? What feelings are mine? What comes from my soul? What is the byproduct of of an imbalanced mind?Written a while back but I noticed a typo and decided to fix it, originally I didn't think this was a poem but it is of sorts so I changed it's catagory. Ok, last couple of days, maybe a week, I've been a little depressed and I know it, and before that I was an emotional blank for about a week, it happens every now and then and I get over it. However a friend of mine, who was a roommate before we got married and went separate ways, is telling me that I ought to see a counselor and a psychologist so I can get a drug prescription for what he thinks is a Manic-depressive disorder compounded by an anxiety disorder. I've lived with myself for 31 years and I know what both are, I can agree that I show such symptoms but I do not think I need chemical treatment. Anyway that discussion lead me to thinking which lead me to type this and submit it, I guess I feel I ought to share my thoughts. Written April 16th, 2002 © on Apr 16 2002 03:55 AM PST   18 • 0 • 13