Bitterness of unfair

Sitting here in the dark, alone by choice, on Christmas Day, not wanting to go to family, can't stand the stress, it occurred me how unfair life is. I don't care if life isn't supposed to be fair, I have good health, steady paycheck, roof over my head, food in the fridge, all the things that should matter, but that's not what I'm talking about. Why should I have to be so alone, where the hell is my soulmate, why won't he come to me, it isn't enough being a good person, helping others on the job, raising your sister's son, where is my reward? I see couples walking down the street, hand in hand, silly smile of love on their faces, I have to cry. when will I have that? only have  dreams of true love, to sustain me, if they ever fade, then I will truly be an empty shell. Reality hits me like a ton of bricks, my soulmate has probably been in my life but I was not listening, so he left . Wasted twelve years of my life, afraid to grow, to risk, craving solitude and peace, trapped in the aftermath of a horrific, loud, tension-filled childhood, years where I could have had children, nice house, nicer husband, but it's all gone and it's not coming back. Moving on is hard, adoption is my only option for a child, resigned myself to never having a man in my life, times like the holdiays seem to bring it all so closer, depression covers me like an electric blanket, warm and comforting. It's not fair, not at all, yes, I screwed my life up, made all the wrong decisions, cant' stand the fact, that I will spend the rest of my days, paying for it, too damn painful, too damn bad, too damn unfair. Written December 24th, 2001 © on Dec 23 2001 04:49 PM PST   0 • 1