Not a Good Place to Be

Here I am once again, in the bad place, where all I want to do is end it. Sorry, if  you want lots of imagery, go read someone's else's work, this is a tirade on my life. I want so little, love mainly, and I can't seem to get it, I don't know why and i am tired of trying. Why can't there be one man who would accept me the way I am? Why does everybody else have what I want? Too many why's and too few answers. I'm not a bad person, raised my sister's son because she was so selfish, and yet, she has now married the love of her life and is lives blissfully. Irony permeates my entire being. Written many times about this, but the scary thing is that it keeps coming back. I want to live, but not like this, so terribly unhappy. Lost my mind a few months back, emailed a so-called celebrity, he wrote back, I was happy, finally, maybe something would happen,  but like everything else, he only wrote back once, story of my life. I know why people kill themselves, how long can you live in a state of constant self pity, self loathing, hatred of society and how it has treated you, it is a sad sad sad time, to be soul sick for so long. Where do I go from here? the same, daily struggle not to make myself stop breathing - forever, there are bright moments, of course, but not enough to sustain, I live in a state of fear, I want to continue on this earth, but not like this, and I don't know how to change. keep waiting for him, my knight in shining armor, to lift me up, but in the back of my mind, he doesnt' exist. I can only hope for so long. My vivid imagination keeps me going, but how long can that last. Truthfully, how long can I last? now I'm really scared. Written January 19th, 2002 © on Jan 19 2002 11:38 AM PST   0 • 1